Horoscope for the week of January 13, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•01 Jan 13, 1999
  • Aries You will discover this week that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your ancient ancestors by discovering a use for every single part of the burrito.
  • Taurus You will fail to keep your New Year’s resolution to ignore meaningless holidays and arbitrary personal decisions.
  • Gemini A vision of Christ will appear before you, page through His Heavenly Book Of Geminis, read your chapter to Himself, and disappear laughing.
  • Cancer You will make People magazine’s list of the 25 Most Fatiguing People Of 1998.
  • Leo Unfortunately, Leo has been pre-empted this week by impeachment coverage.
  • Virgo In a strange example of either Kafka-esque existential horror or your profound idiocy, you will be horrified to discover you have suddenly sprouted a second arm
  • Libra The Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol will cruelly prank you this week by presenting you with an enormous novelty check for 63 cents.
  • Scorpio Your near-illiteracy and slavish devotion to '70s retro kitsch cause you to shock and disturb your friends when you unveil your new Pet Cock.
  • Sagittarius Investigators from several federal bureaus will ultimately concur that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
  • Capricorn Your innocent inquiry regarding the origin of the term "panhandler" incites three bums to beat you to death with cast-iron skillets.
  • Aquarius When you stated last week that "nothing can stop me now," you apparently forgot about syphilis.
  • Pisces Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.