• Aries You suspect that personal feelings are taking priority over scientific endeavor when NASA announces they'll rocket your fat ass into orbit later this year.
  • Taurus Sleep is hard to come by this week, as you struggle to understand why no one has yet come out with Jalapeño Cheese Wings.
  • Gemini You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, which makes you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
  • Cancer You're ready to put that bad relationship and all its painful memories behind you, but unfortunately, it'll be available on DVD starting next week.
  • Leo Your credulity will be stretched to the limit by the circumstances under which only you can control the giant robot.
  • Virgo You knew your mitochondria had their own DNA, but you had no idea that their taste in clothes was so different.
  • Libra You're coming to regret that, when the choice was made available to you, you went with neither hugs nor drugs.
  • Scorpio You'll make big news in Biblical archaeology when you find evidence that Job's trials included a four-year stint as head coach of the Chicago Bears.
  • Sagittarius You've never been afraid to make bold statements concerning what you're all about, which leaves a lot of people emotionally unsatisfied by your ending.
  • Capricorn You don't like using the words "wacky," "nutty," or "zany," but you'll find it hard to describe the inept band of crooks in any other way.
  • Aquarius Your moral values foster the brotherhood of man under the fatherhood of God, which doesn't stop you from downloading tons of "mother-daughter" smut.
  • Pisces When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.