Aries You suspect that personal feelings are taking priority over scientific endeavor when NASA announces they'll rocket your fat ass into orbit later this year.
Taurus Sleep is hard to come by this week, as you struggle to understand why no one has yet come out with Jalapeño Cheese Wings.
Gemini You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, which makes you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
Cancer You're ready to put that bad relationship and all its painful memories behind you, but unfortunately, it'll be available on DVD starting next week.
Leo Your credulity will be stretched to the limit by the circumstances under which only you can control the giant robot.
Virgo You knew your mitochondria had their own DNA, but you had no idea that their taste in clothes was so different.
Libra You're coming to regret that, when the choice was made available to you, you went with neither hugs nor drugs.
Scorpio You'll make big news in Biblical archaeology when you find evidence that Job's trials included a four-year stint as head coach of the Chicago Bears.
Sagittarius You've never been afraid to make bold statements concerning what you're all about, which leaves a lot of people emotionally unsatisfied by your ending.
Capricorn You don't like using the words "wacky," "nutty," or "zany," but you'll find it hard to describe the inept band of crooks in any other way.
Aquarius Your moral values foster the brotherhood of man under the fatherhood of God, which doesn't stop you from downloading tons of "mother-daughter" smut.
Pisces When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.
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