Horoscope for the week of January 15, 1997

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Aries Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.

Taurus Your sex life takes a strange turn this week when you pick up a prostitute in Fargo, ND, and realize during a post-coital cigarette that she is your sister.

Gemini A court order and several dozen attack dobermans are not enough to prevent football legend Joe Namath from convincing you to give to the United Way.

Cancer The tragic deaths of your father and mother in an auto accident bring you to the lowest point of your life until you find a dollar bill lying on the sidewalk.

Leo You will be nominated for a Nobel Prize in the poultry sciences when years of experimentation finally prove your controversial "To Get To The Other Side" theory.

Virgo Your get-rich-quick scheme fails when it becomes evident that there is no market for self-cleaning wicker toilet seats.

Libra Your worldview is shaken this week when Anne Rice announces on national television that vampires are probably imaginary.

Scorpio Your weekly good deed of reading to the elderly begins to lose its luster. Try chaining them to locomotives instead.

Sagittarius Your big night on the town comes to an abrupt end when you accidentally detonate your date's colostomy bag.

Capricorn The discovery that three pieces are missing from your almost-complete 65,000-piece jigsaw puzzle will be enough to kill you.

Aquarius Your frequent sightings of the Toilet Duck net you a guest spot on Psi Factor with Dan Aykroyd.

Pisces Your special dream comes true this week when a pretty angel urinates all over your new carpet.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of January ... » (January 22, 1997)

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