• Aries Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
  • Taurus Your sex life takes a strange turn this week when you pick up a prostitute in Fargo, ND, and realize during a post-coital cigarette that she is your sister.
  • Gemini A court order and several dozen attack dobermans are not enough to prevent football legend Joe Namath from convincing you to give to the United Way.
  • Cancer The tragic deaths of your father and mother in an auto accident bring you to the lowest point of your life until you find a dollar bill lying on the sidewalk.
  • Leo You will be nominated for a Nobel Prize in the poultry sciences when years of experimentation finally prove your controversial "To Get To The Other Side" theory.
  • Virgo Your get-rich-quick scheme fails when it becomes evident that there is no market for self-cleaning wicker toilet seats.
  • Libra Your worldview is shaken this week when Anne Rice announces on national television that vampires are probably imaginary.
  • Scorpio Your weekly good deed of reading to the elderly begins to lose its luster. Try chaining them to locomotives instead.
  • Sagittarius Your big night on the town comes to an abrupt end when you accidentally detonate your date's colostomy bag.
  • Capricorn The discovery that three pieces are missing from your almost-complete 65,000-piece jigsaw puzzle will be enough to kill you.
  • Aquarius Your frequent sightings of the Toilet Duck net you a guest spot on Psi Factor with Dan Aykroyd.
  • Pisces Your special dream comes true this week when a pretty angel urinates all over your new carpet.