Horoscope for the week of January 16, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•01 Jan 16, 2002
  • Aries Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Taurus You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.
  • Gemini After 90 healthy, prosperous years, you will die in bed surrounded by loved ones, bringing your life as a masochist to a bitter, tragic end.
  • Cancer The old saying, "It takes all kinds to make a world," will be amended this week to exclude you.
  • Leo If you've ever wondered how long you could endure without the comforts of human love, you should find the next 57 years very illuminating.
  • Virgo Though you say you don't believe in God, don't worry: He doesn't believe in you, either.
  • Libra There are some things money can't buy. There are also some things money can buy, but that people won't sell to you out of sheer spite.
  • Scorpio Your innovative new clock-radio design will be the subject of a three-page spread in next month's issue of Unpopular Science.
  • Sagittarius After a nice, private walk on the beach, you are disturbed to find a set of footprints where someone–or something–seems to have been walking beside you.
  • Capricorn Your gym teacher will be forced to apologize after wrongly assuming that a little rain wouldn't hurt you.
  • Aquarius Try as you might, you can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm society seems to expect of you.
  • Pisces Keep telling yourself that it's just a movie. It's not, of course, but doing so may make it easier to bear.