Aries Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
Taurus You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.
Gemini After 90 healthy, prosperous years, you will die in bed surrounded by loved ones, bringing your life as a masochist to a bitter, tragic end.
Cancer The old saying, "It takes all kinds to make a world," will be amended this week to exclude you.
Leo If you've ever wondered how long you could endure without the comforts of human love, you should find the next 57 years very illuminating.
Virgo Though you say you don't believe in God, don't worry: He doesn't believe in you, either.
Libra There are some things money can't buy. There are also some things money can buy, but that people won't sell to you out of sheer spite.
Scorpio Your innovative new clock-radio design will be the subject of a three-page spread in next month's issue of Unpopular Science.
Sagittarius After a nice, private walk on the beach, you are disturbed to find a set of footprints where someone–or something–seems to have been walking beside you.
Capricorn Your gym teacher will be forced to apologize after wrongly assuming that a little rain wouldn't hurt you.
Aquarius Try as you might, you can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm society seems to expect of you.
Pisces Keep telling yourself that it's just a movie. It's not, of course, but doing so may make it easier to bear.
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