Horoscope

01.16.02 | ISSUE 38•01

  • Aries Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Taurus You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.
  • Gemini After 90 healthy, prosperous years, you will die in bed surrounded by loved ones, bringing your life as a masochist to a bitter, tragic end.
  • Cancer The old saying, "It takes all kinds to make a world," will be amended this week to exclude you.
  • Leo If you've ever wondered how long you could endure without the comforts of human love, you should find the next 57 years very illuminating.
  • Virgo Though you say you don't believe in God, don't worry: He doesn't believe in you, either.
  • Libra There are some things money can't buy. There are also some things money can buy, but that people won't sell to you out of sheer spite.
  • Scorpio Your innovative new clock-radio design will be the subject of a three-page spread in next month's issue of Unpopular Science.
  • Sagittarius After a nice, private walk on the beach, you are disturbed to find a set of footprints where someone–or something–seems to have been walking beside you.
  • Capricorn Your gym teacher will be forced to apologize after wrongly assuming that a little rain wouldn't hurt you.
  • Aquarius Try as you might, you can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm society seems to expect of you.
  • Pisces Keep telling yourself that it's just a movie. It's not, of course, but doing so may make it easier to bear.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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