Aries Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on never happened.
Taurus You will learn the true meaning of the phrase, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" during an incident involving an unusually large frying pan and a fire.
Gemini In five to seven years, there will be increased demand for license-plate makers. Start job-training now by getting arrested for manslaughter.
Cancer You're not going to be able to talk about this week without using the word "brutal" a lot.
Leo Relax: Everyone feels like a complete schmuck sometimes, though not for 28 straight years like you.
Virgo A pop-cultural shift you are not equipped to understand will turn you into an object of high camp overnight.
Libra Sharon may seem like a nice enough sort, but when she's named Secretary of Weights and Measures next week, you'll see her true colors.
Scorpio Actually, there was nothing wrong with your design for tamper-resistant pants. You may, however, have overestimated demand for the product.
Sagittarius You will become a modern Rip Van Winkle next week when you fall asleep under a tree and awake to a nightmarish world 11 hours into the future.
Capricorn No one believes for a second that an evil hypnotist compelled you to eat all the doughnuts. Which is frustrating, because it's actually true.
Aquarius The judge is moved by the accordion player's deep love and refuses to grant a restraining order. Just put up with the music until he gets over you.
Pisces No change for Pisces this week, except in the intensity and frequency of the fits.
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