Horoscope for the week of January 17, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•01 Jan 17, 2001
  • Aries Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on never happened.
  • Taurus You will learn the true meaning of the phrase, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" during an incident involving an unusually large frying pan and a fire.
  • Gemini In five to seven years, there will be increased demand for license-plate makers. Start job-training now by getting arrested for manslaughter.
  • Cancer You're not going to be able to talk about this week without using the word "brutal" a lot.
  • Leo Relax: Everyone feels like a complete schmuck sometimes, though not for 28 straight years like you.
  • Virgo A pop-cultural shift you are not equipped to understand will turn you into an object of high camp overnight.
  • Libra Sharon may seem like a nice enough sort, but when she's named Secretary of Weights and Measures next week, you'll see her true colors.
  • Scorpio Actually, there was nothing wrong with your design for tamper-resistant pants. You may, however, have overestimated demand for the product.
  • Sagittarius You will become a modern Rip Van Winkle next week when you fall asleep under a tree and awake to a nightmarish world 11 hours into the future.
  • Capricorn No one believes for a second that an evil hypnotist compelled you to eat all the doughnuts. Which is frustrating, because it's actually true.
  • Aquarius The judge is moved by the accordion player's deep love and refuses to grant a restraining order. Just put up with the music until he gets over you.
  • Pisces No change for Pisces this week, except in the intensity and frequency of the fits.