Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•01 Jan 19, 2000
  • Aries Looking back, you can't figure out how a win/win situation turned into a win/be savaged by wild boars situation.
  • Taurus Though you think of yourself as having an excellent sense of humor, you really don't see anything funny about fat people, priests walking into bars, or passing gas.
  • Gemini You will be shaken to your very core when you are strapped to a four-horsepower hardware-store paint shaker.
  • Cancer Take heart: You probably aren't the only person crushed by the things Vince Lombardi is quoted as having said about you in his new biography.
  • Leo You will be overjoyed when surgeons manage to remove the adze from your skull, but quickly realize it was the only thing that made you special.
  • Virgo You may love children, but you shouldn't have any of your own, as the three things you have to do to get them are dirty.
  • Libra Some of your coworkers may believe that words hurt, but just wait until you hit them in the face with the stapler.
  • Scorpio The stars see success in your future, or at least limited parts of it.
  • Sagittarius Spice things up in your bedroom this week: Come home 15 minutes early from work without telling your spouse, but be ready for a surprise.
  • Capricorn The stars are sick and tired of telling you what they say. Learn to listen for once, dammit.
  • Aquarius A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Cancer, which makes it suck that you're an Aquarius.
  • Pisces The police aren't sure what to make of your little "installation," but don't pay them any mind: If you say it's nurse-art, it's nurse-art.