• Aries You begin to feel unwelcome by those around you when your State Tourism Board starts telling prospective vacationers that you’re dead.
  • Taurus Taurus’ new ownership has decided that due to falling ratings, you will be replaced by John Leguizamo this fall.
  • Gemini The stars say you’ll be happy and successful but, in all honesty, their hearts really aren’t in it.
  • Cancer You will be praised highly in this week’s New Yorker, but you eventually find out that there is somebody else named Norman Mailer.
  • Leo The appearance of Mars heralds excitement for Leo. The Red Planet will collide with the Earth next Thursday, destroying the world.
  • Virgo The Klan will come to its senses next week, realize that racial intolerance and persecution are wrong, and focus its energy on lynching you.
  • Libra The events of this weekend will lead to your grudging, posthumous concession that those anti-drug people may not have gotten it entirely wrong.
  • Scorpio You will have the most thrilling experience of your life this week. Hint: It will involve an electric pencil sharpener and a once-dull pencil.
  • Sagittarius Don’t take any guff from those smart-aleck mathematicians and their silly “imaginary” numbers.
  • Capricorn Your coolheadedness and refusal to jump at the first sign of danger enable you to watch a neat drowning.
  • Aquarius Your financial problems disappear when you find a man who gives you cash for other people’s valuables.
  • Pisces You will be approached by Messrs. Feldman and Haim this week with an offer to be "The Third Corey."