Horoscope for the week of January 20, 1999

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Aries You begin to feel unwelcome by those around you when your State Tourism Board starts telling prospective vacationers that you’re dead.

Taurus Taurus’ new ownership has decided that due to falling ratings, you will be replaced by John Leguizamo this fall.

Gemini The stars say you’ll be happy and successful but, in all honesty, their hearts really aren’t in it.

Cancer You will be praised highly in this week’s New Yorker, but you eventually find out that there is somebody else named Norman Mailer.

Leo The appearance of Mars heralds excitement for Leo. The Red Planet will collide with the Earth next Thursday, destroying the world.

Virgo The Klan will come to its senses next week, realize that racial intolerance and persecution are wrong, and focus its energy on lynching you.

Libra The events of this weekend will lead to your grudging, posthumous concession that those anti-drug people may not have gotten it entirely wrong.

Scorpio You will have the most thrilling experience of your life this week. Hint: It will involve an electric pencil sharpener and a once-dull pencil.

Sagittarius Don’t take any guff from those smart-aleck mathematicians and their silly “imaginary” numbers.

Capricorn Your coolheadedness and refusal to jump at the first sign of danger enable you to watch a neat drowning.

Aquarius Your financial problems disappear when you find a man who gives you cash for other people’s valuables.

Pisces You will be approached by Messrs. Feldman and Haim this week with an offer to be "The Third Corey."

More Horoscope

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