Aries A gypsy seer will reveal to you that your great lack of the sensitivity, uncharacteristic of those born under this sign, stems from the fact that you are a 1988 Dodge Aries sedan.
Taurus Dress to make a stronger impression at the office: Wear a Skoal painter's cap and sleeveless Rush T-shirt.
Gemini Fire and air magic are strong in Gemini this week. If you take up smoking now, you'll have enough Marlboro Miles to earn a satellite dish in 10 days.
Cancer Your love and business lives mesh unexpectedly when your free-agent wife signs with a richer husband.
Leo Try to become more compassionate toward the less fortunate members of society. Get the cabana boys at your local beach club to form a volleyball team that's capable of finally beating the rich vacationers.
Virgo Concerns about your health will prove unfounded when you have your most painless embolism yet.
Libra You will be featured on Tonight Show With Jay Leno when a typo in your obituary causes unintended hilarity.
Scorpio Your life is turned upside-down when you realize that your lack of success means that God wants you to fail.
Sagittarius Your job at the video store seems to have taken a turn for the better when, out of the blue, you find yourself in a red-hot stockroom threesome with two hunky co-workers. Unfortunately, they turn out to be life-sized cardboard stand-ups of Brad Pitt and S
Capricorn Though your showbiz career is progressing nicely, you won't be a true success until you have earned the respect and approval of your lawyer.
Aquarius You should never be ashamed of your intelligence. You should be ashamed that you waste it watching Dr. Who and playing Magic: The Gathering.
Pisces Do not despair about finding love: Doctors will soon discover a new type of pervert who gets off on you.