• Aries Although it's true that you have some rudimentary skillz, they are barely enough to pay your long-distance phone service and cable billz.
  • Taurus The question of whether human consciousness can exist outside the body remains unanswered, but at least you and your trusty Thermos gave it a good try.
  • Gemini You'll be held accountable by the law for refusing to provide the information that someone was being held prisoner in a fortune-cookie factory.
  • Cancer Jesus will finally speak to you this week, but His message of love will contain such filthy language that your faith will be shaken forever.
  • Leo Getting there is said to be half the fun, but those people aren't going where you're going.
  • Virgo You will not be able to sleep at night after finding out that the magnetic North Pole drifted almost 40 miles last year.
  • Libra You are slowly making progress in the area of leaving quietly when people are done having sex with you.
  • Scorpio Remember: It's better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and make people feel stupid about having you around at all.
  • Sagittarius Experience is a great teacher. This week, it will teach you your Miranda rights, the difference between a polecat and a skunk, and what a sucker punch is.
  • Capricorn There are some things in this universe that mankind was never meant to know. The boring details of your trip to South Dakota are among them.
  • Aquarius The concept of Cartesian duality may have fallen largely out of favor, but you still believe that you're either from Texas or you ain't shit.
  • Pisces You may be worried about those strange voices in your head. Don't be. Those are your "thoughts."