• Aries You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act.
  • Taurus You are labeled a menace to children this week when you invent a simple rubberband-powered pistol that fires crayons at 10,000 feet per second.
  • Gemini Your children run away from home when they discover the dalmatian puppy you gave them for Christmas is actually a spotted opossum.
  • Cancer Your birthday is ruined when you realize that you do not own even a single crotchless garment and have no idea how to operate a pair of scissors.
  • Leo Professional recognition comes to Leo this week when you develop a post-it note that burns upon contact with human flesh.
  • Virgo Your quest for peace and solitude is violently interrupted when Motor City Madman Ted Nugent decides to record his upcoming double live album in your bathroom.
  • Libra The love of your life will leave you this week when you confuse John Candy and Chris Farley for the 200th time.
  • Scorpio Hopes of fulfilling your most secret fantasy end when the man who offered to sell you naked photos of your mother turns out to be lying.
  • Sagittarius Nothing you attempt this week will succeed. Postpone your suicide.
  • Capricorn You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don't really mind Ryan.
  • Aquarius Your white lightnin'-fueled backwoods hoedown turns out to be a dismal failure when the only people who show up are Swiss.
  • Pisces Your theory concerning the fall of the Roman Empire is proven correct this week when archeologists unearth statues of The Troggs in Italy.