Horoscope for the week of January 22, 1997

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Aries You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act.

Taurus You are labeled a menace to children this week when you invent a simple rubberband-powered pistol that fires crayons at 10,000 feet per second.

Gemini Your children run away from home when they discover the dalmatian puppy you gave them for Christmas is actually a spotted opossum.

Cancer Your birthday is ruined when you realize that you do not own even a single crotchless garment and have no idea how to operate a pair of scissors.

Leo Professional recognition comes to Leo this week when you develop a post-it note that burns upon contact with human flesh.

Virgo Your quest for peace and solitude is violently interrupted when Motor City Madman Ted Nugent decides to record his upcoming double live album in your bathroom.

Libra The love of your life will leave you this week when you confuse John Candy and Chris Farley for the 200th time.

Scorpio Hopes of fulfilling your most secret fantasy end when the man who offered to sell you naked photos of your mother turns out to be lying.

Sagittarius Nothing you attempt this week will succeed. Postpone your suicide.

Capricorn You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don't really mind Ryan.

Aquarius Your white lightnin'-fueled backwoods hoedown turns out to be a dismal failure when the only people who show up are Swiss.

Pisces Your theory concerning the fall of the Roman Empire is proven correct this week when archeologists unearth statues of The Troggs in Italy.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of January ... » (January 29, 1997)

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