• Aries You are excited to learn about the bank machines that hand out money. But, like most things in the big city, it's not as great as it sounds.
  • Taurus You've heard the phrase "Dead men tell no tales," but you sure wish someone had told the overly talkative zombie sitting next to you on the plane.
  • Gemini All those people who think a person can't be both creative and productive now have you as proof.
  • Cancer Next week, you will find yourself in an office romance. Unfortunately, all the female employees will have been replaced by shrieking drag queens.
  • Leo You'll be excited to learn that you will be one of the items included in the gift bags at this year's Oscars.
  • Virgo The good news is, at long last, your time machine works. The bad news is that you won't be lying about being a disabled Vietnam veteran anymore.
  • Libra Remember: A bend in the road isn't the end of the road. By the way, do you have to be told fucking everything?
  • Scorpio You will soon be in demand among domestically oriented women when it turns out you're made of Corian, a desirable countertop material.
  • Sagittarius A drunk Willie Nelson will call you at 3 a.m. to "apologize," but then spends an hour complaining that no one knows he wrote "Crazy."
  • Capricorn After experiencing a sudden and profound shift in priorities, you spend all your time making love instead of money, causing you to die exhausted and penniless.
  • Aquarius If people call you cold and unfeeling, remind them how long and hard you cried over that dead Bee Gee.
  • Pisces Your name will soon be used as a stirring rallying cry for the installation of airbags on brick walls.