Horoscope for the week of January 24, 2001

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Nicolas Cage Puppeteer
- Aging Americans
- Downton Abbey
- Obama Rant
- Last Updated 4:21 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not.

Taurus You will be shocked to find your wife in bed with your best friend, even though he's been dead for eight years.

Gemini You might think that a memorable handshake is the measure of a man, but it's easy to think that way when you have a hook for a hand.

Cancer You know in your heart that nothing's really wrong with you. However, your heart is just a muscle. You "know" things with your brain.

Leo Your belief that laughter is the best medicine will be altered forever when you discover penicillin.

Virgo Your fatuousness will be revealed to the world when a large sandwich is your downfall on CBS's Contentment Island.

Libra You might have tons of emotional problems, but loving too much isn't one of them.

Scorpio Your attempts to lighten the mood by organizing a little sing-along are not appreciated by anyone else in the smoke-filled cockpit.

Sagittarius Despite your belief that you are basically a decent person, you will find yourself saying, "It's not you, it's me."

Capricorn The Lutheran talking dog whose advice has helped you in the past will crack under pressure this week, taking you on a drunken, 10-day whoring binge.

Aquarius Words can't describe the things that will happen to you this week. Fortunately, the mathematics of nuclear fusion can.

Pisces Pisces wanted to tell your future this week, but he had to get new tires and help Dave move, so there just wasn't time.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of January ... (January 17, 2001)
Horoscope for the week of January ... » (January 31, 2001)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...