• Aries Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not.
  • Taurus You will be shocked to find your wife in bed with your best friend, even though he's been dead for eight years.
  • Gemini You might think that a memorable handshake is the measure of a man, but it's easy to think that way when you have a hook for a hand.
  • Cancer You know in your heart that nothing's really wrong with you. However, your heart is just a muscle. You "know" things with your brain.
  • Leo Your belief that laughter is the best medicine will be altered forever when you discover penicillin.
  • Virgo Your fatuousness will be revealed to the world when a large sandwich is your downfall on CBS's Contentment Island.
  • Libra You might have tons of emotional problems, but loving too much isn't one of them.
  • Scorpio Your attempts to lighten the mood by organizing a little sing-along are not appreciated by anyone else in the smoke-filled cockpit.
  • Sagittarius Despite your belief that you are basically a decent person, you will find yourself saying, "It's not you, it's me."
  • Capricorn The Lutheran talking dog whose advice has helped you in the past will crack under pressure this week, taking you on a drunken, 10-day whoring binge.
  • Aquarius Words can't describe the things that will happen to you this week. Fortunately, the mathematics of nuclear fusion can.
  • Pisces Pisces wanted to tell your future this week, but he had to get new tires and help Dave move, so there just wasn't time.