• Aries The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank truck.
  • Taurus You will be shunned by your fellow pornography lovers because of your sick obsession with "facial phlegmshots."
  • Gemini Remember: You are just one man. Stop insisting that you're a 1960s girl group.
  • Cancer You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the Asian women in the jury.
  • Leo Earth magic is strong in your sign this week, which won't help you pass Earth Science.
  • Virgo Turn to family for the support you need this week, unless the support you need is spiritual, emotional, or financial.
  • Libra Your future is looking unusually bright this week, which is no surprise, considering the incredible amounts of burning magnesium it contains.
  • Scorpio Trouble looms at the office when interdepartmental tensions come to a head. This may not be all that exciting for you, however, as you are the night janitor.
  • Sagittarius Major life events will prompt you to remark that you are "not in Kansas anymore," bringing embarrassment to yourself and your fellow Topekans.
  • Capricorn You will be driven to distraction by the vague, indecipherable mutterings of an obviously fraudulent palm reader.
  • Aquarius Unexpected events will shake your longtime conviction that life should be more like the cantina scene in Star Wars.
  • Pisces You may think you crave true love, but it's not a game for cowards. Neither is Scrabble.