Aries The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank truck.
Taurus You will be shunned by your fellow pornography lovers because of your sick obsession with "facial phlegmshots."
Gemini Remember: You are just one man. Stop insisting that you're a 1960s girl group.
Cancer You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the Asian women in the jury.
Leo Earth magic is strong in your sign this week, which won't help you pass Earth Science.
Virgo Turn to family for the support you need this week, unless the support you need is spiritual, emotional, or financial.
Libra Your future is looking unusually bright this week, which is no surprise, considering the incredible amounts of burning magnesium it contains.
Scorpio Trouble looms at the office when interdepartmental tensions come to a head. This may not be all that exciting for you, however, as you are the night janitor.
Sagittarius Major life events will prompt you to remark that you are "not in Kansas anymore," bringing embarrassment to yourself and your fellow Topekans.
Capricorn You will be driven to distraction by the vague, indecipherable mutterings of an obviously fraudulent palm reader.
Aquarius Unexpected events will shake your longtime conviction that life should be more like the cantina scene in Star Wars.
Pisces You may think you crave true love, but it's not a game for cowards. Neither is Scrabble.
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