Horoscope for the week of January 27, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•03 Jan 27, 1999
  • Aries Congress will approve the creation of a 51st state, Assholia, for the sole purpose of naming you the state bird.
  • Taurus Your total lack of understanding of the principles of advanced fluid dynamics results in your tragic drowning while attempting to use a drinking straw.
  • Gemini Bloody noses don’t usually kill people. Then again, most people’s bloody noses don’t usually become infested with weasels, like yours.
  • Cancer You will acquire a fifth housecat this week, officially signaling your withdrawal from human society.
  • Leo You will fail to sell any of your home-made Eskimo pies, despite using fresher Eskimos than your competitors.
  • Virgo You will panic while under the influence of drugs this week and become known as "The Boy Who Cried Giant Purple Man-Eating Walrus."
  • Libra A divided nation will be brought together by its collective desire to see you finally get rid of that ridiculous beard.
  • Scorpio You will successfully lobby for political asylum in the produce department of your local Safeway.
  • Sagittarius Leslie Uggams will finally return your calls and coldly explain that she is not your "funky chocolate soul sister."
  • Capricorn Witnesses to your trip to the corner store will be unable to explain to police what happened after the blinding flash.
  • Aquarius Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Incidentally, it is also the third-to-last day of the rest of your life.
  • Pisces You will be warmly greeted by your new peers when they welcome you into what they call "The Great Big Sextuple-Amputee Family."