Horoscope for the week of January 28, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 33•03 Jan 28, 1998
  • Aries After years of wayward, sinful living, you will finally see the light this week and ask Christ to enter your life. Unfortunately, He is busy and sends Charlton Heston instead.
  • Taurus Learn to treasure each day as if it were your only one on earth, because you are a specimen of Hexagenia Limbata, the common mayfly.
  • Gemini Your apathy over being named Employee Of The Month turns to joy when the prize turns out to be a wrestling-style championship belt.
  • Cancer You will face career hardship when you suddenly decide that you're tired of putting out your 'zine and quit, leaving yourself unemployed.
  • Leo You will become unhealthily obsessed with a grotesquely fat co-worker, but don't worry—you're not becoming a perverted "chubby chaser." You are becoming an unholy cannibal.
  • Virgo The disappearance of Mars from your sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. It could also indicate that its orbit has taken it behind the sun.
  • Libra You will enter a new life-phase when you realize that you don't have to spend lots of money on people in order to make them your friends. You can have sex with them instead.
  • Scorpio This will be a week of identity- adventures for Scorpio, as you are abducted, tortured, and shot in the back of the head by crooked New York cops who have mistaken you for Serpico.
  • Sagittarius Your horoscope has been cancelled this week so that we may bring you Stroker Ace in its entirety.
  • Capricorn Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
  • Aquarius Avoid conflict with co-workers this week. Spike your boss' coffee with military-grade rat poison.
  • Pisces The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It will end in 40 years at the moment of your death.