• Aries An ancient prophecy will be fulfilled at long last when Queen guitarist Brian May shows up unannounced at your house and rocks you.
  • Taurus Your stiffening body will be discovered on your parents' couch this week after the excitement you experience over the added four minutes of Star Wars footage bursts your fatty heart.
  • Gemini Your ego will be irreparably damaged this week when your girlfriend leaves you for some guy named Dave, a "much better cartographer."
  • Cancer Conditions at your workplace become intolerable when your boss announces that your new capeless uniforms will be blue and white with a prominent lightning-bolt motif.
  • Leo Financial hardship strikes you this week. However, it need not be a serious matter, as you are Emperor Of All The Germanies.
  • Virgo Volunteering for your nation's fledgling space program results in your being issued a scuba mask and having a stick of TNT shoved up your rectum. Move out of Uganda.
  • Libra Your sudden promotion to Admiral will surprise no one more than yourself, as you are currently a lowly dishwasher at the M&H; Convenience Mart and Truck Corral.
  • Scorpio Everybody loves a clown, but next week the vice squad will arrest you for loving dozens of them against their will.
  • Sagittarius Forgive an old grudge this week. George Burns is dead, after all.
  • Capricorn Your obsession with England's royal family ends this week when you realize that you are not one of them.
  • Aquarius You will be slapped by the prettiest girl in town when you flirt with her during a drunken game of Name That Celebrity and coyly ask to put your Harry Dean in her Stanton.
  • Pisces The game of Zaxxon you began in 1984 finally ends this week, netting you a disappointing fifth place on the high score list.