• Aries You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."
  • Taurus It’s time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.
  • Gemini You’ll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.
  • Cancer There’s trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.
  • Leo They think they’ve won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.
  • Virgo The pain off your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you’ll swear you can still feel it itching.
  • Libra Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.
  • Scorpio While it’s true that you’re a sharecropper's son, it’s because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.
  • Sagittarius Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum—but you promised her you wouldn’t...
  • Capricorn Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.
  • Aquarius In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.
  • Pisces Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.