Horoscope for the week of January 30, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•03 Jan 30, 2002
  • Aries Upcoming events will give you insight into the origin of the phrases "hog-tied," "beaten like a red-headed stepchild," and, "Well, I'll be dipped in shit."
  • Taurus Your misguided, hippie efforts to tie-dye a cat will finally see success, but at an unspeakable cost.
  • Gemini Nothing can match the humiliation you will feel next week when one sailor after another appears on your doorstep claiming to be your biological father.
  • Cancer You just can't shake the feeling that, homespun or not, that Bombeck lady sure knew what she was talking about.
  • Leo You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
  • Virgo You'd quit your job telling kids about exposed power lines today if there were any other work options for a talking, hard-hat-wearing safety otter.
  • Libra This week, you will prove the binomial theorem, posit a rule of gravitation, and develop a new theory of color, only to find that it's all been done before.
  • Scorpio It is a sign of the degradation of academia that your opinions are taken seriously onmany DeVry campuses.
  • Sagittarius You passionately believe that modern society fosters political, intellectual, and spiritual repression, which is just fine by you.
  • Capricorn Thursday will find you talking to a walrus who urgently wishes to discuss cabbage, kings, nautical vessels, footwear, sealing wax, and possibly winged pigs.
  • Aquarius You're starting to realize why you live in a huge New York City apartment where the kitchen is part of a giant living room with a couch that faces a camera.
  • Pisces Nothing will ever convince you that the Bon Jovi shit they play these days is real country music.