• Aries Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions.
  • Taurus The only thing you'll be able to think during the entire 90-second multi-vehicle crash is how much your father would have loved it.
  • Gemini You will look as good in a hundred years as you do today, thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy.
  • Cancer Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.
  • Leo As far as you can tell, the difference between the great and the near-great is their shoes.
  • Virgo You will learn an important lesson about sharing over the course of 22 minutes, plus commercials.
  • Libra While you have always considered yourself "lovable," this is true only in the narrowest, most clinical sense.
  • Scorpio The technical term for what will happen to you next Tuesday is "trepanning," but that won't seem terribly interesting at the time.
  • Sagittarius A good friend will see fit to share her darkest secrets with you shortly after placing a small but tasteful bouquet on your headstone.
  • Capricorn You've got just one big collar to make in your two days before retirement, so be careful: Sewing clown clothing can be extremely dangerous.
  • Aquarius Don't worry about posterity. Just because history is written by the winners doesn't mean you won't get a footnote somewhere.
  • Pisces Famous quotations are for people who have nothing of their own to say, so be sure to use a lot of them.