Aries Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions.
Taurus The only thing you'll be able to think during the entire 90-second multi-vehicle crash is how much your father would have loved it.
Gemini You will look as good in a hundred years as you do today, thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy.
Cancer Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.
Leo As far as you can tell, the difference between the great and the near-great is their shoes.
Virgo You will learn an important lesson about sharing over the course of 22 minutes, plus commercials.
Libra While you have always considered yourself "lovable," this is true only in the narrowest, most clinical sense.
Scorpio The technical term for what will happen to you next Tuesday is "trepanning," but that won't seem terribly interesting at the time.
Sagittarius A good friend will see fit to share her darkest secrets with you shortly after placing a small but tasteful bouquet on your headstone.
Capricorn You've got just one big collar to make in your two days before retirement, so be careful: Sewing clown clothing can be extremely dangerous.
Aquarius Don't worry about posterity. Just because history is written by the winners doesn't mean you won't get a footnote somewhere.
Pisces Famous quotations are for people who have nothing of their own to say, so be sure to use a lot of them.
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