Horoscope for the week of July 14, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•28 Jul 14, 2004
  • Aries People would have disapproved of your long-term career plans even if you hadn't carved them into the flesh of your enemies.
  • Taurus You'll welcome a new life into the world next week, when a dimensional portal opens in your den and vomits forth an extraplanar pig-beast of astounding malevolence.
  • Gemini Your prayers will finally be answered, but due to a mistake in routing, the response will come from the assistant postmaster of Fayetteville, AR.
  • Cancer Psychoanalysis focuses on causes, therapy focuses on consequences, but your new method of counseling people focuses mostly on drilling holes in them.
  • Leo Try to keep a sense of proportion next week, particularly when serving yourself a "decent-sized" slice of pie.
  • Virgo You'll be the envy of all the sexual-product engineers when your dildo design is admitted to the Vibrary of Congress.
  • Libra You'll continue to be tormented by the sight of tiny symbols which, when viewed, cause you to hear words in your head.
  • Scorpio You're starting to think that traveling the country looking for crooks is a little silly, but really, there's little other place in society for a talking dog.
  • Sagittarius Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand.
  • Capricorn You'll be of two minds about things next week, primarily because of the renegade saw blade that neatly severs your corpus callosum Monday.
  • Aquarius You'll make archeological history when, while looking for a good place to eat downtown, you instead discover the lost biblical city of Urkesh.
  • Pisces Turns out it takes only four seconds to fall from the top of your building to the parking lot, but it'll sure seem longer.