Aries People would have disapproved of your long-term career plans even if you hadn't carved them into the flesh of your enemies.
Taurus You'll welcome a new life into the world next week, when a dimensional portal opens in your den and vomits forth an extraplanar pig-beast of astounding malevolence.
Gemini Your prayers will finally be answered, but due to a mistake in routing, the response will come from the assistant postmaster of Fayetteville, AR.
Cancer Psychoanalysis focuses on causes, therapy focuses on consequences, but your new method of counseling people focuses mostly on drilling holes in them.
Leo Try to keep a sense of proportion next week, particularly when serving yourself a "decent-sized" slice of pie.
Virgo You'll be the envy of all the sexual-product engineers when your dildo design is admitted to the Vibrary of Congress.
Libra You'll continue to be tormented by the sight of tiny symbols which, when viewed, cause you to hear words in your head.
Scorpio You're starting to think that traveling the country looking for crooks is a little silly, but really, there's little other place in society for a talking dog.
Sagittarius Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand.
Capricorn You'll be of two minds about things next week, primarily because of the renegade saw blade that neatly severs your corpus callosum Monday.
Aquarius You'll make archeological history when, while looking for a good place to eat downtown, you instead discover the lost biblical city of Urkesh.
Pisces Turns out it takes only four seconds to fall from the top of your building to the parking lot, but it'll sure seem longer.
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