• Aries You will relinquish your title as president of acquisitions and finance after being forced to admit you're just the assistant office manager.
  • Taurus You'll finally be able to build the home you've always dreamed of now that you have enough blankets and couch cushions.
  • Gemini Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you're better off not knowing exactly what that means.
  • Cancer That might have been the worst birthday you've ever had, but take note: It won't be the worst of your life.
  • Leo It will be hard to take on the dual role of teacher and parent, but that's the life you'll lead as the enchanted rabbit companion to two plucky orphans.
  • Virgo You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.
  • Libra You still don't understand what people tell you about getting along with others, but that's okay. You don't want to.
  • Scorpio You'll experience a strange mix of random violence, stultifying boredom, and financial security after becoming an English Premier League soccer star.
  • Sagittarius Engineers will soon restore power and water to your area, so you'll have hours of hard sledgehammer work ahead of you to get it back the way you like it.
  • Capricorn People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
  • Aquarius Love may mean different things to different people, but you know that it usually means free meals for someone.
  • Pisces Frantic drivers will chase you around town for hours when a typo in the city charter mistakenly lists you as a free weekday parking spot.