Horoscope for the week of July 18, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•24 Jul 18, 2001
  • Aries Forces beyond your understanding have decreed that you will have a pretty much average week.
  • Taurus If string theory is right about the structure of our universe, then all three spatial dimensions are circular. Just like all three of your spatial dimensions, tubbo!
  • Gemini You can only hope that history will recognize that you had to destroy the cream pie in order to save it in two different sized Cool Whip containers.
  • Cancer You should tell your lover how much you dislike the sweater she bought you. This will help ensure that she won't bury you in it next week.
  • Leo You still aren't sure what Keats meant when he called Milton "Chief of organic numbers! / Old scholar of the spheres!" after seeing a single lock of his hair.
  • Virgo Ballet dancing will ruin your feet by the time you're 35, even though you've never danced and are, in fact, a line cook.
  • Libra The unstoppable machinery of fate has set in motion irreversible events which shall inexorably lead to your acquisition of an unwanted nickname.
  • Scorpio You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
  • Sagittarius You knew your new boyfriend was high-maintenance, but you didn't think you'd have to do all the feeding and wiping yourself.
  • Capricorn The tragic events of next Thursday will finally teach you that there aren't any good pranks you can pull using a kidney-dialysis machine.
  • Aquarius The stars indicate that this is a good week for your love lifeñeven in the Southern Hemisphere, where different stars are visible.
  • Pisces It turns out that a journey through the nine circles of hell is a good concept for an epic poem, but not for a restaurant.