Aries Perhaps next time someone asks you if you'd like a knuckle sandwich, you should simply answer, "No, thank you."
Taurus Though you often dismiss it as "only a game," you really ought to take your job as a liquid-petroleum fuel-truck driver a little more seriously.
Gemini You know what? Gemini is starting to think there was something, well, funny about Paul Lynde.
Cancer Remember: Loosen the tourniquet every 10 minutes, or you may lose the arm.
Leo Your long-term career plans hit a few snags when it turns out the Internet economy has reached saturation, and voodoo doesn't work.
Virgo The stars would like you to know that, though the temperature has really been up there lately, they sure didn't order this heat!
Libra It's slowly beginning to dawn on you that the best minds of today can't help you if you remove them from their skulls.
Scorpio Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in Heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
Sagittarius If you don't do something to revitalize your career soon, people will only remember you as "that rapper guy from the BluBlockers ad."
Capricorn Your boast that you can "lick any man in the house" backfires when it turns out that "lick" also means "beat up."
Aquarius You will awake from a horrible nightmare in which you lived in a racially and economically divided caste-based society.
Pisces Please try to understand that your family would have had no objections to your keeping the baby had it lived.
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