Horoscope for the week of July 19, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•24 Jul 19, 2000
  • Aries Perhaps next time someone asks you if you'd like a knuckle sandwich, you should simply answer, "No, thank you."
  • Taurus Though you often dismiss it as "only a game," you really ought to take your job as a liquid-petroleum fuel-truck driver a little more seriously.
  • Gemini You know what? Gemini is starting to think there was something, well, funny about Paul Lynde.
  • Cancer Remember: Loosen the tourniquet every 10 minutes, or you may lose the arm.
  • Leo Your long-term career plans hit a few snags when it turns out the Internet economy has reached saturation, and voodoo doesn't work.
  • Virgo The stars would like you to know that, though the temperature has really been up there lately, they sure didn't order this heat!
  • Libra It's slowly beginning to dawn on you that the best minds of today can't help you if you remove them from their skulls.
  • Scorpio Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in Heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
  • Sagittarius If you don't do something to revitalize your career soon, people will only remember you as "that rapper guy from the BluBlockers ad."
  • Capricorn Your boast that you can "lick any man in the house" backfires when it turns out that "lick" also means "beat up."
  • Aquarius You will awake from a horrible nightmare in which you lived in a racially and economically divided caste-based society.
  • Pisces Please try to understand that your family would have had no objections to your keeping the baby had it lived.