• Aries Your life's accomplishments will greatly enrich the human race, but 100 years from now, you'll mostly be judged by the crappy font on your tombstone.
  • Taurus Your popularity skyrockets next week when you're smothered in barbecue sauce and bacon and offered as a Southwest Rodeo Whopper at Burger King.
  • Gemini You'll finally get around to the important and long-delayed business of calling that toll-free number right now.
  • Cancer You'll be indicted on seven counts of outsider trading this week. It's not a crime, but the SEC just wanted to see you sweat.
  • Leo The dread specter of your own mortality will loom over you all month, but you'll be so busy remodeling your kitchen that you'll hardly notice.
  • Virgo You'll once again avoid becoming a household name this week, except in the more perverted households.
  • Libra You've often compared your tribulation-filled life to that of Job, but as you'll soon discover, God gave a much better speech to him.
  • Scorpio Rough times lie ahead of you in the financial and personal arenas when you're suddenly cut from 50 Cent's entourage.
  • Sagittarius The ACLU will officially state that protected speech is all fine and good, but they're tired of jumping up every time you open your mouth.
  • Capricorn It's time to rid yourself of the fallacious belief that kids or animals or anyone else likes you.
  • Aquarius No amount of money can solve your current problems, which is really odd because they're mostly hunger-, shelter- , and food-related.
  • Pisces You will remember with bitterness the days when all you wanted were good seats at the airshow.