Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2005

Horoscope ISSUE 41•29 Jul 20, 2005
  • Aries You'll be honored, after a fashion, when the mayor of New York secretly awards you the key to the city of Boston and asks you to "leave no stone atop another."
  • Taurus You take a lot of pride in what you are, which is at once rather noble, fairly self-destructive, and just ludicrous on the face of it.
  • Gemini You hold advanced degrees in mathematics and physics, collect Renaissance bronzes, and have an especial penchant for chamber music, but a leading deodorant company insists you're a "Mitchum Man."
  • Cancer Your life will continue unchanged for six of the next seven days. The other one will feature lots of upset bison.
  • Leo Scientists will have completed a map of the universe within 25 years, making life hell for you and other lovers of ambiguity.
  • Virgo For the next year, you'll be haunted by the sickly, ghostly, jolly specter of those 110 pounds you had surgically excised in May.
  • Libra Your soft life is destroyed with the exposure of your false birth certificate, forcing you out from under the shelter of child-labor laws.
  • Scorpio Being blonde, healthy, and blue-eyed comes in handy yet again this week when the government unveils its new program of National Socialized Medicine.
  • Sagittarius A little superstition never hurt anyone, but it's becoming a real pain for everyone to accommodate your lucky full-sized replica of Michelangelo's David.
  • Capricorn If there's one problem with your get-rich-quick scheme, it's probably that one that the police, the Mafia, and the Treasury Department all used to track you down.
  • Aquarius You thought you'd gotten past that incident last winter when you T-boned that bus, but the world's buses have pledged to avenge their fallen comrade sevenfold.
  • Pisces Your attempt to make the most
    romantic marriage proposal in history backfires when it rains unexpectedly, the gondola catches fire, and the bear forgets its training and reverts to man-eating.