Horoscope for the week of July 21, 2004

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Aries The stars know it's hurricane season throughout the coastal regions, but the mounting waves of bear attacks should provide some variety.

Taurus You thought your new sportscar could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.

Gemini A nice gesture will go terribly awry this Sunday, when wearing a suit and tie for once does kill you after all.

Cancer You'll be unprepared for your sudden rise to a career in high finance, which is probably why you'll fuck it up so bad.

Leo You're tired of people accusing you of throwing money at your problems. Luckily, these people can usually be bribed to shut up.

Virgo A friend who always astounds you with her lousy taste in men will blow you away with her execrable taste in names for quadruplets.

Libra No one will characterize your efforts as above and beyond the call of duty. For God's sake, you just did the dishes.

Scorpio Michael Jordan said that you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take, which is apparently supposed to inspire you to great feats in real-estate sales.

Sagittarius Wearing roller skates everywhere you go may have been a cute eccentricity during your residency, but you're a doctor now.

Capricorn Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.

Aquarius You'll be an inspiration to the downtrodden millions, but in a way that will see dozens of cities in flames by the end of this century.

Pisces Your most cherished dream will die this week, which would be tragic if it weren't to float around in a Texas-shaped pool filled with beer.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of July ... » (July 28, 2004)

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