• Aries The stars know it's hurricane season throughout the coastal regions, but the mounting waves of bear attacks should provide some variety.
  • Taurus You thought your new sportscar could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
  • Gemini A nice gesture will go terribly awry this Sunday, when wearing a suit and tie for once does kill you after all.
  • Cancer You'll be unprepared for your sudden rise to a career in high finance, which is probably why you'll fuck it up so bad.
  • Leo You're tired of people accusing you of throwing money at your problems. Luckily, these people can usually be bribed to shut up.
  • Virgo A friend who always astounds you with her lousy taste in men will blow you away with her execrable taste in names for quadruplets.
  • Libra No one will characterize your efforts as above and beyond the call of duty. For God's sake, you just did the dishes.
  • Scorpio Michael Jordan said that you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take, which is apparently supposed to inspire you to great feats in real-estate sales.
  • Sagittarius Wearing roller skates everywhere you go may have been a cute eccentricity during your residency, but you're a doctor now.
  • Capricorn Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
  • Aquarius You'll be an inspiration to the downtrodden millions, but in a way that will see dozens of cities in flames by the end of this century.
  • Pisces Your most cherished dream will die this week, which would be tragic if it weren't to float around in a Texas-shaped pool filled with beer.