• Aries In all the uncertain and ever-changing cosmos, this is the one and only eternal and unassailable truth: You sure as hell ain't no Cary Grant.
  • Taurus You will soon be forced to admit that achieving fluency in Klingon was a complete and utter waste of time.
  • Gemini Something strange is in the air for Gemini. Pack your nose full of pure, activated charcoal, an extremely efficient filter.
  • Cancer In his upcoming tell-all book, Smokey The Bear will reveal that you are actually the only person who can prevent forest fires.
  • Leo Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
  • Virgo After identifying, classifying and thoroughly describing almost 600 species of plants, you realize that you have merely duplicated the work of Theophrastus (372-287 B.C.), the father of botany.
  • Libra You will ask the Supreme Being to show you the secret of life, but He will only rub His thumb and forefinger together while pretending not to hear you.
  • Scorpio You will be exiled from the academic community when you present a paper that dares to theorize that shit might not, in fact, happen.
  • Sagittarius In a conspiratorial move designed to make you feel old and lonely, all your friends will suddenly get married and start families next week.
  • Capricorn Love magick is strong in Capricorn this week. However, you can pretty much ignore this fact.
  • Aquarius The polite, well-dressed people who ring your doorbell and ask to come in and talk to you about pancakes turn out to be Jemima’s Witnesses.
  • Pisces A strange and untrustworthy person will claim to be able to tell your future by looking at the night sky.