Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1998Horoscope • ISSUE 33•25 • Jul 22, 1998 Aries In all the uncertain and ever-changing cosmos, this is the one and only eternal and unassailable truth: You sure as hell ain't no Cary Grant.Taurus You will soon be forced to admit that achieving fluency in Klingon was a complete and utter waste of time.Gemini Something strange is in the air for Gemini. Pack your nose full of pure, activated charcoal, an extremely efficient filter.Cancer In his upcoming tell-all book, Smokey The Bear will reveal that you are actually the only person who can prevent forest fires.Leo Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."Virgo After identifying, classifying and thoroughly describing almost 600 species of plants, you realize that you have merely duplicated the work of Theophrastus (372-287 B.C.), the father of botany.Libra You will ask the Supreme Being to show you the secret of life, but He will only rub His thumb and forefinger together while pretending not to hear you.Scorpio You will be exiled from the academic community when you present a paper that dares to theorize that shit might not, in fact, happen.Sagittarius In a conspiratorial move designed to make you feel old and lonely, all your friends will suddenly get married and start families next week.Capricorn Love magick is strong in Capricorn this week. However, you can pretty much ignore this fact.Aquarius The polite, well-dressed people who ring your doorbell and ask to come in and talk to you about pancakes turn out to be Jemima’s Witnesses.Pisces A strange and untrustworthy person will claim to be able to tell your future by looking at the night sky.