Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1999

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Aries Your existence will be called into question when "Weird Al" Yankovic uses your life’s work as the basis for a song.

Taurus After answering a personal ad describing the submitter as "all about partying and having fun," you will find yourself dating the film Porky's.

Gemini You will wake up next Sunday to find yourself president following the mysterious death of everyone else in America.

Cancer Your local arts center has a lovely quilting display. Give it $100 million.

Leo The sudden appearance of all the planets in your sign indicates that Leo is trying to impress TV's Jack Horkheimer.

Virgo An exciting promotion is in Virgo's future. It will probably involve two-for-one soft drinks with any fill-up at Shell.

Libra You will soon receive tangible proof of a government conspiracy designed to stop you from robbing banks.

Scorpio Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.

Sagittarius A thorough X-ray examination of your bones will determine that you are not, in fact, "bad" to them.

Capricorn You will be found incapable of human love this week. Of course, this will have no impact on your longtime practice of monkey love.

Aquarius The stars say you're one wishy-washy son of a bitch. That's not based on their positions or anything but, you know, they just talk.

Pisces You will be finished as an air-traffic controller when it is discovered you have no idea how airplanes are supposed to act.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of June ... (June 23, 1999)
Horoscope for the week of July ... » (July 28, 1999)

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