• Aries Your existence will be called into question when "Weird Al" Yankovic uses your life’s work as the basis for a song.
  • Taurus After answering a personal ad describing the submitter as "all about partying and having fun," you will find yourself dating the film Porky's.
  • Gemini You will wake up next Sunday to find yourself president following the mysterious death of everyone else in America.
  • Cancer Your local arts center has a lovely quilting display. Give it $100 million.
  • Leo The sudden appearance of all the planets in your sign indicates that Leo is trying to impress TV's Jack Horkheimer.
  • Virgo An exciting promotion is in Virgo's future. It will probably involve two-for-one soft drinks with any fill-up at Shell.
  • Libra You will soon receive tangible proof of a government conspiracy designed to stop you from robbing banks.
  • Scorpio Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
  • Sagittarius A thorough X-ray examination of your bones will determine that you are not, in fact, "bad" to them.
  • Capricorn You will be found incapable of human love this week. Of course, this will have no impact on your longtime practice of monkey love.
  • Aquarius The stars say you're one wishy-washy son of a bitch. That's not based on their positions or anything but, you know, they just talk.
  • Pisces You will be finished as an air-traffic controller when it is discovered you have no idea how airplanes are supposed to act.