Aries It's time to let old grudges go. Release those German POWs from your basement.
Taurus The meaning of your existence will be revealed in Omar Sharif's bridge column one year from today.
Gemini You finally get your dream job this week, as the stars all see to it that the other applicants have smaller breasts than you.
Cancer Despite your efforts to realize your dreams, you will overbid on The Price Is Right Showcase Showdown by two dollars.
Leo You will die of shame when the person in USA Today's so-called "explicit sex photos" of you turns out to be Roc star Charles Dutton.
Virgo Taking your golf pro's backswing advice will also greatly improve your wife-beating technique.
Libra The stars reveal that you will soon have the one thing you've always wanted. It probably won't happen, though, because astrology is a bunch of made-up nonsense.
Scorpio Your life will hinge on thinking of a six-letter word meaning "parity."
Sagittarius The only thing you have to fear this week is the men with the hammers.
Capricorn Turn your children into an asset. Sell them to the Sultan of Brunei.
Aquarius You will be crowned King of Calypso and spend the rest of your life trying to learn to play the steel drums.
Pisces Pisces has retired after centuries of faithful service. Your star sign is now Beck, the super-groovy wunderkind.
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