Horoscope for the week of July 23, 1997

Horoscope ISSUE 31•24 Jul 23, 1997
  • Aries It's time to let old grudges go. Release those German POWs from your basement.
  • Taurus The meaning of your existence will be revealed in Omar Sharif's bridge column one year from today.
  • Gemini You finally get your dream job this week, as the stars all see to it that the other applicants have smaller breasts than you.
  • Cancer Despite your efforts to realize your dreams, you will overbid on The Price Is Right Showcase Showdown by two dollars.
  • Leo You will die of shame when the person in USA Today's so-called "explicit sex photos" of you turns out to be Roc star Charles Dutton.
  • Virgo Taking your golf pro's backswing advice will also greatly improve your wife-beating technique.
  • Libra The stars reveal that you will soon have the one thing you've always wanted. It probably won't happen, though, because astrology is a bunch of made-up nonsense.
  • Scorpio Your life will hinge on thinking of a six-letter word meaning "parity."
  • Sagittarius The only thing you have to fear this week is the men with the hammers.
  • Capricorn Turn your children into an asset. Sell them to the Sultan of Brunei.
  • Aquarius You will be crowned King of Calypso and spend the rest of your life trying to learn to play the steel drums.
  • Pisces Pisces has retired after centuries of faithful service. Your star sign is now Beck, the super-groovy wunderkind.