Aries You will pass away next week at the age of 95, heralded as a beloved entertainer despite being in your late 20s and generally disliked at the moment.
Taurus They'll soon put you in a secure, soundproof, knife-filled room where you can't hurt anyone but yourself.
Gemini Although you honestly believe you do a better job of it than they could, finishing other people's sentences for them is still a real dick move.
Cancer It's true that they say all is fair in love and war, but be advised that some still consider the use of nerve gas barbaric in either circumstance.
Leo The job market and the economy are both pretty dismal right now, but take heart: No one would hire you even if things were perfect.
Virgo All signs point to you having a quiet, uneventful week, but the stars' gut feelings nonetheless say different.
Libra Police are forced to concede that the blowtorch really was for making crème brûlée after finding several of the desserts among the charred and smoking corpses.
Scorpio The doctors will tell you you're only in for a routine colonoscopy, but then the minor-key calliope music will begin.
Sagittarius This will be a very romantic period for Sagittarius, which beats the hell out of the weepy, self-absorbed pre-Raphaelite period you've been going through.
Capricorn This is a great time to start new projects, as long as they don't involve a router, a band saw, or tungsten inert gas welding.
Aquarius You've never believed that "love conquers all," but that will change when love invades the area, enslaves your subjects, and sows your fields with salt.
Pisces This week will be a series of excruciatingly painful metaphorical and physical low blows for you.
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