• Aries You will pass away next week at the age of 95, heralded as a beloved entertainer despite being in your late 20s and generally disliked at the moment.
  • Taurus They'll soon put you in a secure, soundproof, knife-filled room where you can't hurt anyone but yourself.
  • Gemini Although you honestly believe you do a better job of it than they could, finishing other people's sentences for them is still a real dick move.
  • Cancer It's true that they say all is fair in love and war, but be advised that some still consider the use of nerve gas barbaric in either circumstance.
  • Leo The job market and the economy are both pretty dismal right now, but take heart: No one would hire you even if things were perfect.
  • Virgo All signs point to you having a quiet, uneventful week, but the stars' gut feelings nonetheless say different.
  • Libra Police are forced to concede that the blowtorch really was for making crème brûlée after finding several of the desserts among the charred and smoking corpses.
  • Scorpio The doctors will tell you you're only in for a routine colonoscopy, but then the minor-key calliope music will begin.
  • Sagittarius This will be a very romantic period for Sagittarius, which beats the hell out of the weepy, self-absorbed pre-Raphaelite period you've been going through.
  • Capricorn This is a great time to start new projects, as long as they don't involve a router, a band saw, or tungsten inert gas welding.
  • Aquarius You've never believed that "love conquers all," but that will change when love invades the area, enslaves your subjects, and sows your fields with salt.
  • Pisces This week will be a series of excruciatingly painful metaphorical and physical low blows for you.