• Aries Behavioral scientists Robinson and Godbey once postulated that human activity is almost infinite in meaning and form. Except yours.
  • Taurus The spider you befriend while in prison will amaze you by spinning a web reading "SOME MURDERER" above your bunk before your parole hearing.
  • Gemini You will go bankrupt selling a set of enthusiastically narrated audio tapes designed to help you learn to relax while you sleep.
  • Cancer Your attempts to live a life of the mind will prove less successful than your attempts to live a life of the stomach.
  • Leo Dengue, or bonebreak fever, is carried by the insect Aedes aegypti and occurs only in the tropics, which makes your death doubly surprising.
  • Virgo You will continue to suspect that the honest, down-to-earth woman you love is faking her organic gardening.
  • Libra No matter how often you administer the damn things, home pregnancy tests continue to remind you that you are male.
  • Scorpio You will soon find yourself in such dire financial straits, you will not even be able to afford to pay attention.
  • Sagittarius You're not the kind of person who has conversations with her dead grandmother all day, so it would be nice if she'd stop talking to you.
  • Capricorn Your anxiety concerning your place in the universe is allayed when you remember that it's a cute little house on Willard Street, just off the park.
  • Aquarius You will receive a letter from ex-boxer Leon Spinks, who threatens to reveal himself as your long-lost son unless he receives $9 in unmarked bills.
  • Pisces Your week will be entirely uneventful after the thing with the church fire.