Aries Come on, now: Are you really going to let some silly trio of colored lights tell you how to drive your car?
Taurus Your romantic promise to give your lover the moon goes awry when removing the satellite from orbit results in massive tsunamis, earthquakes, and 50-foot tides.
Gemini Your satisfaction over a job well done will be marred somewhat when you leave the White House owing your defense lawyers more than $3 million.
Cancer Remember: Not everyone can be Lou Gehrig. Try to be the first.
Leo Leo would like to thank Peavey amps, Fender guitars, Zildjian cymbals, and the whole gang at the Shuffle Inn.
Virgo You're becoming impatient waiting for the television industry to get off its butt and fix this country.
Libra Some days it just isn't worth getting out of bed in the morning, such as next Friday, when several structural steel I-beams will fall across your chest.
Scorpio The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
Sagittarius You will be stripped of your Miss America crown after police find you hiding under a parked car and forcibly remove the stolen tiara from your head.
Capricorn You will trace your heritage back five centuries to a matched breeding pair brought to the New World by Spanish conquistadors to provide meat.
Aquarius You will make considerable contributions to society through your membership in People for the Animalistic Treatment of Ethics.
Pisces If people seem to be treating you with a little more respect lately, it's because you have an overactive imagination.
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