Horoscope for the week of July 26, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•25 Jul 26, 2000
  • Aries Come on, now: Are you really going to let some silly trio of colored lights tell you how to drive your car?
  • Taurus Your romantic promise to give your lover the moon goes awry when removing the satellite from orbit results in massive tsunamis, earthquakes, and 50-foot tides.
  • Gemini Your satisfaction over a job well done will be marred somewhat when you leave the White House owing your defense lawyers more than $3 million.
  • Cancer Remember: Not everyone can be Lou Gehrig. Try to be the first.
  • Leo Leo would like to thank Peavey amps, Fender guitars, Zildjian cymbals, and the whole gang at the Shuffle Inn.
  • Virgo You're becoming impatient waiting for the television industry to get off its butt and fix this country.
  • Libra Some days it just isn't worth getting out of bed in the morning, such as next Friday, when several structural steel I-beams will fall across your chest.
  • Scorpio The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Sagittarius You will be stripped of your Miss America crown after police find you hiding under a parked car and forcibly remove the stolen tiara from your head.
  • Capricorn You will trace your heritage back five centuries to a matched breeding pair brought to the New World by Spanish conquistadors to provide meat.
  • Aquarius You will make considerable contributions to society through your membership in People for the Animalistic Treatment of Ethics.
  • Pisces If people seem to be treating you with a little more respect lately, it's because you have an overactive imagination.