Horoscope for the week of July 26, 2000

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Einstein 'Just That Stupid'
- Iran Worried
- No Child Left Behind
- Postracial Racism
- Last Updated 10:43 AM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries Come on, now: Are you really going to let some silly trio of colored lights tell you how to drive your car?

Taurus Your romantic promise to give your lover the moon goes awry when removing the satellite from orbit results in massive tsunamis, earthquakes, and 50-foot tides.

Gemini Your satisfaction over a job well done will be marred somewhat when you leave the White House owing your defense lawyers more than $3 million.

Cancer Remember: Not everyone can be Lou Gehrig. Try to be the first.

Leo Leo would like to thank Peavey amps, Fender guitars, Zildjian cymbals, and the whole gang at the Shuffle Inn.

Virgo You're becoming impatient waiting for the television industry to get off its butt and fix this country.

Libra Some days it just isn't worth getting out of bed in the morning, such as next Friday, when several structural steel I-beams will fall across your chest.

Scorpio The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.

Sagittarius You will be stripped of your Miss America crown after police find you hiding under a parked car and forcibly remove the stolen tiara from your head.

Capricorn You will trace your heritage back five centuries to a matched breeding pair brought to the New World by Spanish conquistadors to provide meat.

Aquarius You will make considerable contributions to society through your membership in People for the Animalistic Treatment of Ethics.

Pisces If people seem to be treating you with a little more respect lately, it's because you have an overactive imagination.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of July ... (July 19, 2000)
Horoscope for the week of August ... » (August 2, 2000)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...