Horoscope for the week of July 27, 2005

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Breeding Republicans
- Rumsfeld Scholarship
- Einstein 'Just That Stupid'
- Iran Worried
- Last Updated 3:53 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries There's no shame in being a little depressed from time to time. There is, however, lots of shame in washing dozens of cheese-filled pancakes down your throat with bourbon because of it.

Taurus No one can say you're not a good father, but that's because your kids' very existence has been a closely guarded state secret for many years.

Gemini You've always feared change in your life, so relax: You're going to be in a nice, stable coma for the foreseeable future.

Cancer Your only rule is never to volunteer for anything, which sucks when people ask if you'd like a big bag of money.

Leo Advances in medical technology will soon make it possible for EMTs to train on highly advanced mannequins, leaving you with absolutely nothing to do on nights and weekends.

Virgo You'll soon be so fat that, when you sit around the Morbid Obesity Intensive Cardiac Therapy Center at Mount Sinai, you sit around the Morbid Obesity Intensive Cardiac Therapy Center at Mount Sinai.

Libra The other guys keep telling you to get rid of that beard you've had since college, but not only are you quite fond of her, she is also the mother of your two darling daughters.

Scorpio You'll be getting plenty of hot and heavy action in the near future, but unfortunately for your love life, it's mostly the explosions, car chases, and heavy gunfire kind of action.

Sagittarius You thought you'd have a hard time finding steady work as a compliant sexual zombie, but next week will demonstrate that there's always a demand for real talent.

Capricorn Having a foot fetish is one thing, but chopping the feet off of a perfectly good woman and discarding the rest is just plain wasteful.

Aquarius Right now, you have no knowledge of basic metallurgy, but after next week's trip to the foundry, you'll be keenly aware of the exact melting point of lead.

Pisces Wearing white after Labor Day isn't the faux pas it once was, but wearing the same tattered white wedding dress from now until Labor Day is going to be seen as somewhat odd.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of July ... (July 20, 2005)
Your Horoscope - August 3, 2005 » (August 3, 2005)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...