Aries Tragedy strikes you yet again this week when you have the nerve to tell him you prefer his brother, Comedy.
Taurus No one will be able to describe your improbable death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
Gemini You will have difficulties coping with your co-workers. Try using a coping saw.
Cancer Your current state of bliss will last until next Wednesday. If you are not currently in a blissful state, ignore this horoscope.
Leo This week is a good time to consider the bigger picture. Except Sunday, when Bob and Bev are having that cookout.
Virgo Virgo would like to point out that the chair you're sitting on exerts a greater influence over you than any distant constellation. That said, enjoy your forthcoming romantic midnight sea-journey.
Libra This is a watershed week for Libra, as you are finally able to break your lifelong addiction to food and water.
Scorpio Your welfare will be continually overlooked in favor of much more important matters. Now, back to Terror In The Skies III: Who’s Flying The Plane?! on the Scorpio Channel.
Sagittarius The stars say you are ugly and stupid, but your mother says to ignore them, as they’re just jealous.
Capricorn G. Gordon Liddy sees no reason to apologize for, let alone explain, his setting fire to you last week.
Aquarius No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what he had in mind.
Pisces You are spoiled, abrasive and willfully ignorant. However, life will be easy for you, thanks to your magnificent rack.