• Aries Tragedy strikes you yet again this week when you have the nerve to tell him you prefer his brother, Comedy.
  • Taurus No one will be able to describe your improbable death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
  • Gemini You will have difficulties coping with your co-workers. Try using a coping saw.
  • Cancer Your current state of bliss will last until next Wednesday. If you are not currently in a blissful state, ignore this horoscope.
  • Leo This week is a good time to consider the bigger picture. Except Sunday, when Bob and Bev are having that cookout.
  • Virgo Virgo would like to point out that the chair you're sitting on exerts a greater influence over you than any distant constellation. That said, enjoy your forthcoming romantic midnight sea-journey.
  • Libra This is a watershed week for Libra, as you are finally able to break your lifelong addiction to food and water.
  • Scorpio Your welfare will be continually overlooked in favor of much more important matters. Now, back to Terror In The Skies III: Who’s Flying The Plane?! on the Scorpio Channel.
  • Sagittarius The stars say you are ugly and stupid, but your mother says to ignore them, as they’re just jealous.
  • Capricorn G. Gordon Liddy sees no reason to apologize for, let alone explain, his setting fire to you last week.
  • Aquarius No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what he had in mind.
  • Pisces You are spoiled, abrasive and willfully ignorant. However, life will be easy for you, thanks to your magnificent rack.