Horoscope for the week of July 28, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•30 Jul 28, 2004
  • Aries The authorities will eventually decide to release you on your own recognizance, which is almost certainly the cruelest thing they can think to do.
  • Taurus You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.
  • Gemini Your belief that God does not play dice with the universe will be tested by the discovery of a 10,000-mile-long craps table on Jupiter.
  • Cancer Try as you might, you'll never be able to convince FEMA that Baltimore was like that when you got there.
  • Leo Astounding as it seems, the transit of Saturn across your sign portends that you'll have a decent time at RiverFest this weekend.
  • Virgo You'll finally break the endlessly mounting tension at work when you cause the rollback of that aggravating "days without an accident" sign.
  • Libra Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
  • Scorpio Your promise to rebuild the world with blood, pain, and legal pot will resonate with the weirdest voting bloc yet recorded.
  • Sagittarius Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
  • Capricorn You've never been a big fan of cigars, but if there's a cooler-looking way to light all those fuses, you're not aware of it.
  • Aquarius The aliens will claim that our primitive language contains no word for the emotion they're feeling, but that's bullshit. They're bored out of their skulls.
  • Pisces You'll be unable to explain what you were doing drinking naked in the back of the frozen-fish truck, but you won't have to. We've all been there.