Horoscope for the week of July 29, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 33•26 Jul 29, 1998
  • Aries This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk and feed yourself all over again.
  • Taurus Your spouse of many years will leave you this week for a man with a much more expensive car bra.
  • Gemini Water magick is strong in Gemini this month, but be careful: That insidious fluid can still drown your ass dead.
  • Cancer Your worldview will be turned upside down this week when you learn that a gasoline's octane rating has nothing to do with its flavor.
  • Leo You will strike an unholy bargain with Satan when His Infernal Majesty stops by your garage sale and refuses to pay more than 10 dollars for your perfectly serviceable old luggage.
  • Virgo You will open the eyes of a nation and force people to confront age-old lies by publishing the hideous truth about Johnny Appleseed, America's secret shame.
  • Libra You will be committed to the care of mental-health professionals after claiming that the celestial motions of Jupiter are having a profound effect on your sales career.
  • Scorpio Despite your years of dedicated community work, death by fire is still only the third-leading cause of infant mortality in your township.
  • Sagittarius Next Saturday at 3:27 p.m. would be a good time to turn around and see what's careening toward you.
  • Capricorn You will finally settle into that cute little red-brick house this week, but beware: The wolves have made great strides recently in the field of huff-and-puff technology.
  • Aquarius Despite years of worry and anxiety, you’ll have no trouble creating the sofa of your dreams.
  • Pisces The colorful custom of hurling a daily Pisces from the top of a bridge dates back to 7th-century Finland.