• Aries You could be bound in a nutshell and count yourself a king of infinite space, were it not for the fact that you have no imagination whatsoever.
  • Taurus If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Gemini It's still going to be muggy in the high 90s with occasional periods of wind as far as your personal forecast is concerned.
  • Cancer Your actions this week will all be morally correct and without flaw, as long as you've correctly interpreted the Book of Numbers.
  • Leo You will certainly survive next week, but it won't be the kind of survival that sells a lot of inspirational books.
  • Virgo More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
  • Libra Although it's true that your spouse doesn't make you happy, keep in mind that nothing really ever does.
  • Scorpio Please contact the service department at Scorpio Communications and explore options to restore your service.
  • Sagittarius It may take extensive surgery to turn you into a Bond girl, but it's still a lot cheaper than hiring one of today's A-list actresses.
  • Capricorn You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
  • Aquarius There are some things about the universe that you are simply not spiritually capable of knowing, such as its exact size, mass, and age.
  • Pisces Your fear that "your family doesn't care about you anymore" is incorrect. The proper phrasing is "your family no longer cares about you."