Aries You could be bound in a nutshell and count yourself a king of infinite space, were it not for the fact that you have no imagination whatsoever.
Taurus If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
Gemini It's still going to be muggy in the high 90s with occasional periods of wind as far as your personal forecast is concerned.
Cancer Your actions this week will all be morally correct and without flaw, as long as you've correctly interpreted the Book of Numbers.
Leo You will certainly survive next week, but it won't be the kind of survival that sells a lot of inspirational books.
Virgo More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
Libra Although it's true that your spouse doesn't make you happy, keep in mind that nothing really ever does.
Scorpio Please contact the service department at Scorpio Communications and explore options to restore your service.
Sagittarius It may take extensive surgery to turn you into a Bond girl, but it's still a lot cheaper than hiring one of today's A-list actresses.
Capricorn You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
Aquarius There are some things about the universe that you are simply not spiritually capable of knowing, such as its exact size, mass, and age.
Pisces Your fear that "your family doesn't care about you anymore" is incorrect. The proper phrasing is "your family no longer cares about you."
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