Aries A White Sox scout will tell you he likes your fastball and curveóbut not your sliderómoments before police forcibly remove him from your cubicle.
Taurus Sometimes, it is okay to be treated like a child, but it would be nice if your coworkers didn't always spell out the naughty words when you're around.
Gemini Your hot streak with the opposite sex continues, which is unfortunate, as you're trying to remain celibate and gay.
Cancer It's been three long, difficult months, but take heart: You've shattered the world record for time spent trapped in a burning bus.
Leo What most people don't seem to understand is that normal dentures lack the air of excitement and danger of your prosthetic badger jaw.
Virgo True, the little black dress is a tasteful, slimming classic, but you are a rodeo clown.
Libra Some people are visual learners, others are auditory learners, and you learn best when things are beaten into you.
Scorpio Your hope that your son will live a happy life, free from suffering, is somewhat at odds with your decision to name him "Sasha."
Sagittarius Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
Capricorn Though you demand that the part of you be played by Robert Culp, Mr. Culp takes understandable exception to portraying a milquetoast slob.
Aquarius Your poisonous spikes have helped you fend off predators, but the iridescent scales don't seem to attract potential mates.
Pisces Your trial takes a turn for the bizarre when the sexy judge slaps you with a ball-gag order.
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