Horoscope

07.31.02 | ISSUE 38•27

  • Aries A White Sox scout will tell you he likes your fastball and curveóbut not your sliderómoments before police forcibly remove him from your cubicle.
  • Taurus Sometimes, it is okay to be treated like a child, but it would be nice if your coworkers didn't always spell out the naughty words when you're around.
  • Gemini Your hot streak with the opposite sex continues, which is unfortunate, as you're trying to remain celibate and gay.
  • Cancer It's been three long, difficult months, but take heart: You've shattered the world record for time spent trapped in a burning bus.
  • Leo What most people don't seem to understand is that normal dentures lack the air of excitement and danger of your prosthetic badger jaw.
  • Virgo True, the little black dress is a tasteful, slimming classic, but you are a rodeo clown.
  • Libra Some people are visual learners, others are auditory learners, and you learn best when things are beaten into you.
  • Scorpio Your hope that your son will live a happy life, free from suffering, is somewhat at odds with your decision to name him "Sasha."
  • Sagittarius Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Capricorn Though you demand that the part of you be played by Robert Culp, Mr. Culp takes understandable exception to portraying a milquetoast slob.
  • Aquarius Your poisonous spikes have helped you fend off predators, but the iridescent scales don't seem to attract potential mates.
  • Pisces Your trial takes a turn for the bizarre when the sexy judge slaps you with a ball-gag order.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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