Horoscope for the week of July 31, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•27 Jul 31, 2002
  • Aries A White Sox scout will tell you he likes your fastball and curveóbut not your sliderómoments before police forcibly remove him from your cubicle.
  • Taurus Sometimes, it is okay to be treated like a child, but it would be nice if your coworkers didn't always spell out the naughty words when you're around.
  • Gemini Your hot streak with the opposite sex continues, which is unfortunate, as you're trying to remain celibate and gay.
  • Cancer It's been three long, difficult months, but take heart: You've shattered the world record for time spent trapped in a burning bus.
  • Leo What most people don't seem to understand is that normal dentures lack the air of excitement and danger of your prosthetic badger jaw.
  • Virgo True, the little black dress is a tasteful, slimming classic, but you are a rodeo clown.
  • Libra Some people are visual learners, others are auditory learners, and you learn best when things are beaten into you.
  • Scorpio Your hope that your son will live a happy life, free from suffering, is somewhat at odds with your decision to name him "Sasha."
  • Sagittarius Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Capricorn Though you demand that the part of you be played by Robert Culp, Mr. Culp takes understandable exception to portraying a milquetoast slob.
  • Aquarius Your poisonous spikes have helped you fend off predators, but the iridescent scales don't seem to attract potential mates.
  • Pisces Your trial takes a turn for the bizarre when the sexy judge slaps you with a ball-gag order.