Horoscope for the week of July 7, 2004

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Aries You'll stumble onto the secret of true happiness, but unfortunately, you won't be able to figure out a way to charge people for it.

Taurus Never doubt that a small, dedicated group of individuals can change the world with a few vials of smallpox virus and a kilogram of plutonium.

Gemini Banana-macadamia-nut pancakes may be heavenly, but as an eternal reward for faith and good works, they'll fall just a tad short.

Cancer Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it was only recently that you started screaming and crying for candy.

Leo You'll be the first human being to catch a rare virus from the common pigeon, proving conclusively that it can be sexually transmitted.

Virgo Turns out the thing about getting 72 virgins in heaven is true, but it also turns out all they want to do is play Madden.

Libra As soon as it's confirmed that you are indeed the world's most arrogant jackass, you'll be traded to the Yankees for a left-handed reliever.

Scorpio Everyone's talking about the Cassini spacecraft's amazing seven-year journey to Saturn, a trip that makes your seven-day vacation to Baltimore look like a fool's errand.

Sagittarius The long-awaited People's Revolution will come this week, pleasantly surprising you with the communist belief that you urgently need a jet-ski.

Capricorn You're the envy of all your friends, but only because they're tasteless masochists.

Aquarius You'll receive a two-hour lecture from renowned economist Milton Friedman merely for claiming that a penny saved is a penny earned.

Pisces You've always made a living off the very sweat of your balls, so it's a good thing your ball-sweat retails for 600 bucks an ounce.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of June ... (June 23, 2004)
Horoscope for the week of July ... » (July 14, 2004)

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