• Aries You'll stumble onto the secret of true happiness, but unfortunately, you won't be able to figure out a way to charge people for it.
  • Taurus Never doubt that a small, dedicated group of individuals can change the world with a few vials of smallpox virus and a kilogram of plutonium.
  • Gemini Banana-macadamia-nut pancakes may be heavenly, but as an eternal reward for faith and good works, they'll fall just a tad short.
  • Cancer Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it was only recently that you started screaming and crying for candy.
  • Leo You'll be the first human being to catch a rare virus from the common pigeon, proving conclusively that it can be sexually transmitted.
  • Virgo Turns out the thing about getting 72 virgins in heaven is true, but it also turns out all they want to do is play Madden.
  • Libra As soon as it's confirmed that you are indeed the world's most arrogant jackass, you'll be traded to the Yankees for a left-handed reliever.
  • Scorpio Everyone's talking about the Cassini spacecraft's amazing seven-year journey to Saturn, a trip that makes your seven-day vacation to Baltimore look like a fool's errand.
  • Sagittarius The long-awaited People's Revolution will come this week, pleasantly surprising you with the communist belief that you urgently need a jet-ski.
  • Capricorn You're the envy of all your friends, but only because they're tasteless masochists.
  • Aquarius You'll receive a two-hour lecture from renowned economist Milton Friedman merely for claiming that a penny saved is a penny earned.
  • Pisces You've always made a living off the very sweat of your balls, so it's a good thing your ball-sweat retails for 600 bucks an ounce.