• Aries Your hospital bills skyrocket when the International Toughman Competition replaces its locomotive-pulling event with one called "Turn The Aries Inside-Out With Your Bare Hands."
  • Taurus Your mail-order sweater business will be such a success that you can finally afford that second refrigerator you've always dreamed of.
  • Gemini The world of Irish performing arts is turned upside-down when a newly discovered ancient Gaelic scroll reveals that you are the true Lord of the Dance.
  • Cancer The residents of your community form a torch-lit mob and appear on your doorstep demanding a glass of milk.
  • Leo You are such an expert on the subject of sex that people begin referring to you as a "sexpert."
  • Virgo Despite a stunning full-color swimsuit photo of you for the month of May, the 1998 Big Fat Asshole calendar sells just two copies.
  • Libra You will enjoy newfound popularity in Mainland China due to their belief that you are a powerful aphrodisiac when ground up and put in tea.
  • Scorpio You will be financially, physically and emotionally destroyed after years of superstitious belief in astrology.
  • Sagittarius You are fired from your job at the Piercing Pagoda after botching a customer's scrotal-barbell insertion in full view of hundreds of mallgoers.
  • Capricorn Despite the efforts of U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS), your famous lemon cookies remain legal in 46 states.
  • Aquarius The ghost of Charles Kuralt appears before you and asks to borrow your tape of this week's Frasier.
  • Pisces You are out of pencils, and the only pencil store in town closes in less than five minutes.