Horoscope for the week of July 9, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•26 Jul 9, 2003
  • Aries Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
  • Taurus You know you should really stop hurling fistfuls of hamsters out the window of your speeding car, but they're so darn cute.
  • Gemini After weeks of deliberation, you have yet to hear a compelling argument for not beating most of the people you've ever met to within an inch of their lives.
  • Cancer It's looking like they're not going to call you the Double-Dustpan Killer until you kill someone with a pair of dustpans.
  • Leo No one can understand you without first understanding the subtle-but-crucial difference between the terms "all you can eat" and "all you care to eat."
  • Virgo You will finally learn the true meaning of fear this week. First of all, it's not a light minty flavoring.
  • Libra That man who just wrapped a trombone around your neck was Jim Knepper, a Mingus sideman and notorious crank.
  • Scorpio Polaris rising in Scorpio this week is deeply troubling, as it has to be millions of light-years out of position to do so.
  • Sagittarius Your bossiness and predilection for minding other people's business are important parts of being the World's Best Grandma.
  • Capricorn A little bird tells you that someone has a crush on you, but terrible secrets imparted by the giant birds hatched from the sun render this irrelevant.
  • Aquarius The importance of a good night's sleep will be briefly overshadowed by the importance of a good set of shovels and entrenching tools.
  • Pisces You're the kind of person who considers himself open to all kinds of new experiences, as long as they involve eating buffalo wings.