Horoscope for the week of July 9, 2003

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Aries Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.

Taurus You know you should really stop hurling fistfuls of hamsters out the window of your speeding car, but they're so darn cute.

Gemini After weeks of deliberation, you have yet to hear a compelling argument for not beating most of the people you've ever met to within an inch of their lives.

Cancer It's looking like they're not going to call you the Double-Dustpan Killer until you kill someone with a pair of dustpans.

Leo No one can understand you without first understanding the subtle-but-crucial difference between the terms "all you can eat" and "all you care to eat."

Virgo You will finally learn the true meaning of fear this week. First of all, it's not a light minty flavoring.

Libra That man who just wrapped a trombone around your neck was Jim Knepper, a Mingus sideman and notorious crank.

Scorpio Polaris rising in Scorpio this week is deeply troubling, as it has to be millions of light-years out of position to do so.

Sagittarius Your bossiness and predilection for minding other people's business are important parts of being the World's Best Grandma.

Capricorn A little bird tells you that someone has a crush on you, but terrible secrets imparted by the giant birds hatched from the sun render this irrelevant.

Aquarius The importance of a good night's sleep will be briefly overshadowed by the importance of a good set of shovels and entrenching tools.

Pisces You're the kind of person who considers himself open to all kinds of new experiences, as long as they involve eating buffalo wings.

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