Aries Your hitting that nurse with your car will be regarded by nearly everyone as an accident, but many will strongly disapprove of your gutting her on the spot.
Taurus You finally discover a hobby you enjoy when you stumble across a group of Vietnam War re-enactors hiding out in the woods.
Gemini Another sloppy, unsatisfying night of sodomy will finally convince you that church is a bad place to meet dates.
Cancer You will suffer minor injuries when, during dinner conversation about Dom DeLuise, your use of the phrase "fat, has-been sad-sack" is overheard by Rush Limbaugh, who is seated at the next table.
Leo Your "you can use a shovel for anything" theory will be proven when the woman sitting next to you on a trans-Atlantic flight suddenly goes into labor.
Virgo You will discover the power of chain letters when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
Libra You will receive a disturbing late-night phone call from Charlton Heston, who "just wanted to remind you" that he will soon control the entire NRA.
Scorpio The stars indicate that now is a good time to take chances with your stock portfolio, a piece of information that is useless to winos like you.
Sagittarius Your husband is the nicest, cutest man in the entire world, so he shouldn't have to do his own dishes.
Capricorn You will be investigated by the Department of Labor after forcing your employees to dress like Pippi Longstocking.
Aquarius As an Aquarius, you are a fun-loving person who can be very serious when the situation calls for it. Of course, most people are like that.
Pisces The stars indicate that you would be much better off if you stopped dating men with names like Sterling and Brooks, and met a nice Bob or Sam.