• Aries Your hitting that nurse with your car will be regarded by nearly everyone as an accident, but many will strongly disapprove of your gutting her on the spot.
  • Taurus You finally discover a hobby you enjoy when you stumble across a group of Vietnam War re-enactors hiding out in the woods.
  • Gemini Another sloppy, unsatisfying night of sodomy will finally convince you that church is a bad place to meet dates.
  • Cancer You will suffer minor injuries when, during dinner conversation about Dom DeLuise, your use of the phrase "fat, has-been sad-sack" is overheard by Rush Limbaugh, who is seated at the next table.
  • Leo Your "you can use a shovel for anything" theory will be proven when the woman sitting next to you on a trans-Atlantic flight suddenly goes into labor.
  • Virgo You will discover the power of chain letters when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
  • Libra You will receive a disturbing late-night phone call from Charlton Heston, who "just wanted to remind you" that he will soon control the entire NRA.
  • Scorpio The stars indicate that now is a good time to take chances with your stock portfolio, a piece of information that is useless to winos like you.
  • Sagittarius Your husband is the nicest, cutest man in the entire world, so he shouldn't have to do his own dishes.
  • Capricorn You will be investigated by the Department of Labor after forcing your employees to dress like Pippi Longstocking.
  • Aquarius As an Aquarius, you are a fun-loving person who can be very serious when the situation calls for it. Of course, most people are like that.
  • Pisces The stars indicate that you would be much better off if you stopped dating men with names like Sterling and Brooks, and met a nice Bob or Sam.