Aries You never thought you'd laugh at the old pie-in-the-face gag again, but that was before they could accelerate pie to the speed of light.
Taurus The residents of Tulsa will make you pay for every dollar of damage you've caused, but they're not heartless, so they'll let you keep the bison.
Gemini Your visit to the country will inspire the coining of a new folk saying, "Some days you calm the beast, some days you free the cowboy."
Cancer Running for mayor might not seem too realistic, but just wait until they get a load of your new suit.
Leo From Thursday forward, your name will be mentioned every time flaming corn dogs rain down from the sky.
Virgo There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
Libra Just so you know, it isn't still called "running away from home" when you're 31.
Scorpio Things will be back to normal in a couple weeks, but your current tick infestation is just the beginning.
Sagittarius This week's smorgasbord of nudity and bullfighting will erase all remaining doubts about your ability to be a network TV programmer.
Capricorn The prosecuting attorney will be ruthless, relentless, and efficient in exposing your crimes, but at one point you'll be able to see right down her blouse.
Aquarius This week marks the four-year anniversary of your solemn oath to develop a lifestyle that is in no way influenced by Sandy Duncan.
Pisces You know that one day you'll have to tell your family you're not really a chicken, but for now they really need the eggs.
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