• Aries You never thought you'd laugh at the old pie-in-the-face gag again, but that was before they could accelerate pie to the speed of light.
  • Taurus The residents of Tulsa will make you pay for every dollar of damage you've caused, but they're not heartless, so they'll let you keep the bison.
  • Gemini Your visit to the country will inspire the coining of a new folk saying, "Some days you calm the beast, some days you free the cowboy."
  • Cancer Running for mayor might not seem too realistic, but just wait until they get a load of your new suit.
  • Leo From Thursday forward, your name will be mentioned every time flaming corn dogs rain down from the sky.
  • Virgo There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
  • Libra Just so you know, it isn't still called "running away from home" when you're 31.
  • Scorpio Things will be back to normal in a couple weeks, but your current tick infestation is just the beginning.
  • Sagittarius This week's smorgasbord of nudity and bullfighting will erase all remaining doubts about your ability to be a network TV programmer.
  • Capricorn The prosecuting attorney will be ruthless, relentless, and efficient in exposing your crimes, but at one point you'll be able to see right down her blouse.
  • Aquarius This week marks the four-year anniversary of your solemn oath to develop a lifestyle that is in no way influenced by Sandy Duncan.
  • Pisces You know that one day you'll have to tell your family you're not really a chicken, but for now they really need the eggs.