• Aries You'll learn the hard way that you shouldn't attempt to attract the attention of dimwitted coworkers carrying extension ladders.
  • Taurus Next week, Death shall tire of his burden and lay down his scythe for a day to spend time among mortals, but he won't be able to resist doing you.
  • Gemini Years of practice can give yoga devotees the ability to touch their toes to the backs of their necks, but you'll achieve the same thing by drinking pesticides.
  • Cancer You may be as big as a house, but carpet and room deodorizer still can't take the place of conventional deodorant.
  • Leo You will come tantalizingly close to achieving your life's ambition when you're placed next to the "center square."
  • Virgo You thought you were that tragic, romantic ideal, a man with nothing left to lose, but you somehow forgot about your pants.
  • Libra Your life of devout and committed Buddhism will come to nothing when, after the tragic events of next Tuesday, you are reincarnated as a Catholic.
  • Scorpio You'll never understand why it is that every time you've almost finished a bottle of whiskey, it breaks itself over your head and runs off with your wallet.
  • Sagittarius Your new girlfriend is not actually so sweet you could use her shit for toothpaste, but that won't stop you from trying.
  • Capricorn Your habit of faking an Irish accent to get attention is even more pathetic considering you're a lifelong resident of Dublin.
  • Aquarius Your determination to be the last man standing will be the deciding factor in a life-or-death game of musical chairs.
  • Pisces No matter how hard you try, nothing you ever do or achieve will please Alec Baldwin.