• Aries Your decision to put on a show to save the old malt shop will result in your arrest for public nudity, indecent behavior, and violation of six health codes.
  • Taurus The stars indicate that this is a good time to start new projects. At the same time, your neighbor's dog indicates it's a good time to kill young couples.
  • Gemini A cake, some candles, and a few token gifts will soon mark your passage into an exciting new demographic.
  • Cancer Though you're getting pretty good at interpreting your dreams, you're still piss-poor at interpreting things that happen when you're awake.
  • Leo The story of your life has been quiet so far, but don't worry: They've decided to cut out a bunch of boring exposition and get right to the final bloody chase scene.
  • Virgo Your decision to go back to nature conveniently ignores the fact that you're not from nature, but Los Angeles.
  • Libra Being a parent is a new challenge every day. The specific challenge next Monday is explaining why you had to nail the puppies to the ceiling-fan blades.
  • Scorpio After sleeping with someone who is not your spouse, you will suffer horrible guilt, which would be understandable if you were married.
  • Sagittarius You're known as a really decent character. This is because you are a D&D character named Gryth The Decent.
  • Capricorn James Joyce's Ulysses put forth the idea that every one of us is a hero just for getting through an average day in our lives. Congratulations, hero.
  • Aquarius It's said that life is like a bowl of cherries. But for most people, the metaphor breaks down faster than it does for you.
  • Pisces It turns out that intellectual awareness of the consequences of putting your hand in a meat grinder is very different from the actual experience.