Aries You and your entire family will be granted the power of flight by conniving sky-gods who merely want to create additional safety problems for the airline industry.
Taurus G. Gordon Liddy will be busy with media appearances this week, leaving him with no time to hunt you down and eat you.
Gemini In a certain light, from just the right angle, you will begin to bear an uncanny resemblance to Abe Lincoln.
Cancer Maybe in your next life, you'll believe the Zodiac when it tells you to cut the red wire.
Leo Secretly tape-recording your private conversations is something you might be able to forgive, but not splitting the profits of their sale with you is a different thing entirely.
Virgo Your desperation to escape the buses that are constantly hitting you will force you to build a time machine, which will deposit you just downhill from where an early Homo sapien is attaching the first four wheels on a huge hollow log.
Libra You'll be prevented from joining the Army's elite paratrooper unit, which seems unfair, given your years of experience jumping out of things while holding guns.
Scorpio There are very few people who respond to a well-prepared spaghetti carbonara in the same way you do, a fact for which the nation's firefighters thank God daily.
Sagittarius Jupiter will enter your sign at a very delicate moment this week, causing it to blush, stammer an apology, and back out.
Capricorn You swore you'd make real attempts to become a better, more well-rounded human being, but by the end of the week, you'll have a favorite stock-car racer.
Aquarius Sometimes, life's smallest changes are the most important, as evidenced by the microscopic cancer cells currently entwining the base of your spinal column.
Pisces It's true people only pay attention to you because of your enormous breasts, but cut them some slack. Most people only have two, and theirs are relegated to their chest.