Horoscope for the week of June 16, 1999

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Rumsfeld Scholarship
- Einstein 'Just That Stupid'
- Iran Worried
- No Child Left Behind
- Last Updated 10:13 AM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries You need to achieve a sense of balance in life. If not, elemental forces beyond your control will send you constantly crashing to the ground.

Taurus Nobody takes what you say seriously. Consider using expressive hand gestures.

Gemini The stars hope you enjoyed this week’s journey over water. Next week on Gemini: celebrity make-overs!

Cancer Your efforts to achieve notoriety by streaking in public has yet to bear fruit. Try doing it naked.

Leo You will be given reason this week to doubt the Biblical saying, "Half a dried goat carcass is better than none at all."

Virgo Due to the decline in September birthdays, Virgo has been forced to supplement its income by selling advertising space. Thousands see this space each week... Your ad could be here!

Libra Despite singing, baking cookies and shopping, you won’t be able to get into the Christmas spirit this week.

Scorpio You will emerge from the turmoil of next week a changed man, mostly because of your new set of giant mandibles.

Sagittarius The sight of Pluto in your sign means that someone has very sharp eyes: Any astrologer knows that Pluto can’t be seen with the naked eye!

Capricorn Capricorns are dynamic, ambitious and outgoing, which makes it kind of strange that you're such a goddamned pussy.

Aquarius A new mantra might aid in your personal healing process. This time, choose one that won't deeply offend passersby.

Pisces As you emerge from this time of seclusion, your sensual self re-emerges. But try to do a better job of hiding it from the Animal Control Board.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of June ... (June 9, 1999)
Horoscope for the week of June ... » (June 23, 1999)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...