Horoscope for the week of June 16, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•23 Jun 16, 1999
  • Aries You need to achieve a sense of balance in life. If not, elemental forces beyond your control will send you constantly crashing to the ground.
  • Taurus Nobody takes what you say seriously. Consider using expressive hand gestures.
  • Gemini The stars hope you enjoyed this week’s journey over water. Next week on Gemini: celebrity make-overs!
  • Cancer Your efforts to achieve notoriety by streaking in public has yet to bear fruit. Try doing it naked.
  • Leo You will be given reason this week to doubt the Biblical saying, "Half a dried goat carcass is better than none at all."
  • Virgo Due to the decline in September birthdays, Virgo has been forced to supplement its income by selling advertising space. Thousands see this space each week... Your ad could be here!
  • Libra Despite singing, baking cookies and shopping, you won’t be able to get into the Christmas spirit this week.
  • Scorpio You will emerge from the turmoil of next week a changed man, mostly because of your new set of giant mandibles.
  • Sagittarius The sight of Pluto in your sign means that someone has very sharp eyes: Any astrologer knows that Pluto can’t be seen with the naked eye!
  • Capricorn Capricorns are dynamic, ambitious and outgoing, which makes it kind of strange that you're such a goddamned pussy.
  • Aquarius A new mantra might aid in your personal healing process. This time, choose one that won't deeply offend passersby.
  • Pisces As you emerge from this time of seclusion, your sensual self re-emerges. But try to do a better job of hiding it from the Animal Control Board.