• Aries You're about to learn that words can hurt, especially those written in the Demon Alphabet of Foul Khal-Ru the Soul-Drinker.
  • Taurus You'll be violated hundreds of times by out-of-control alcoholics, but it's to be expected, considering that you're the local ordinance against drunk and disorderly conduct.
  • Gemini Depression will wash over you exactly like a great wave this week, leaving sand everywhere you don't want it.
  • Cancer Right about now, you're probably dying to know what all has happened since you fell asleep last Valentine's Day.
  • Leo A dark time in your life will come to a sudden end after an unexpected, drastic improvement in Ronald Reagan's condition.
  • Virgo You'd long given up any hope, but a voice from your past will inform you that it is indeed okay for you to have the rest of the cottage cheese.
  • Libra It has always been difficult for you to say you're sorry, but you will face your greatest challenge this Thursday, when wasps build a nest in your larynx.
  • Scorpio You claim that you never asked for this crap, but there's your signature, plain as day, on all the crap-request forms.
  • Sagittarius You'll learn an important lesson about violence this week—specifically, what can happen when you're not very good at it.
  • Capricorn Your kissing booth will raise a lot of money for charity, but you're about to see more asses than you ever knew existed.
  • Aquarius The weird and sometimes unfriendly looks you'll receive on your bus ride through the South are perhaps the only downside to your new hobby as a Civil Rights re-enactor.
  • Pisces Everyone warned you that nothing good would come of dishonesty, but you're perfectly happy with all the mediocre stuff that did.