• Aries The tragic events of this week teach you that there’s more to being in a convoy than screaming the lyrics to "Convoy" while driving your Miata.
  • Taurus Your fear that the CIA is controlling your mind is quelled when you receive a soothing mental transmission from agency director George J. Tenet.
  • Gemini There will be just one major event in your life this week, but it will probably be both embarrassing and fatal.
  • Cancer The stars say that very little will happen to you involving horse-drawn carts, the solution to Fermat’s last theorem, or the Swiss consulate. Perhaps the stars are playing it a little safe this week.
  • Leo Your suspicion that your spouse has been sexually active with other men deepens when you wake up in the middle of the night to find a dozen sated, sweaty longshoremen in bed with you both.
  • Virgo Your date with that rich, good-looking executive will go fine until he notices that your legs are cheap, plastic imitations.
  • Libra You will soon encounter a philosophical message on a T-shirt or bumper sticker that will change your life.
  • Scorpio If it is your birthday this week, you have only been pretending to be a Scorpio. Shame on you! Shame!
  • Sagittarius Conventional wisdom says that no one ever died of a broken heart, but there has never been anything remotely conventional about you.
  • Capricorn You will die unhappy and dissatisfied after failing to discover why Oliver Twist isn't in the final third of Dickens' book of the same name.
  • Aquarius Your astrological sign indicates that primitive people once assigned anthropomorphic shapes to the stars.
  • Pisces Your new co-worker is secretly plotting against you. Beware—if she finds out you are actually a vampire, all is lost.