• Aries You're the first to admit you have problems of your own, but you can't seem to shake your obsession with TV's drunken weathermen.
  • Taurus Witnesses will later testify that you did, in fact, ask the salesman about the Colombian necktie, and to demonstrate how one was worn.
  • Gemini A concert tour of the nation's high-security prisons seemed like a nice idea, but you probably should've gotten the wardens' permission first.
  • Cancer It may need clarifying that when you said you loved your spouse more than life itself, you didn't mean yours.
  • Leo You'll wake from dreams of eating a giant marshmallow to find you've ax-murdered six people in your sleep, but the two things don't seem to be related.
  • Virgo Though several Lego models of yourself have been constructed, you're not really happy with any of them.
  • Libra Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
  • Scorpio You will be committed to 11 long years of marriage for a bloody murder you did not commit.
  • Sagittarius Your amazing gift for cloying preachiness and bad timing continues this week when a blind orphan girl helps you discover the true meaning of Christmas.
  • Capricorn Things will slowly start returning to normal in your life, which is not really a good thing.
  • Aquarius This is the last chance to renew your subscription to Aquarius. Act now to ensure uninterrupted access to this valuable business, entertainment, and predicting tool.
  • Pisces Your habit of taking the easy way out will finally end this week, but only because you don't have the guts to hang yourself.