Aries You're the first to admit you have problems of your own, but you can't seem to shake your obsession with TV's drunken weathermen.
Taurus Witnesses will later testify that you did, in fact, ask the salesman about the Colombian necktie, and to demonstrate how one was worn.
Gemini A concert tour of the nation's high-security prisons seemed like a nice idea, but you probably should've gotten the wardens' permission first.
Cancer It may need clarifying that when you said you loved your spouse more than life itself, you didn't mean yours.
Leo You'll wake from dreams of eating a giant marshmallow to find you've ax-murdered six people in your sleep, but the two things don't seem to be related.
Virgo Though several Lego models of yourself have been constructed, you're not really happy with any of them.
Libra Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
Scorpio You will be committed to 11 long years of marriage for a bloody murder you did not commit.
Sagittarius Your amazing gift for cloying preachiness and bad timing continues this week when a blind orphan girl helps you discover the true meaning of Christmas.
Capricorn Things will slowly start returning to normal in your life, which is not really a good thing.
Aquarius This is the last chance to renew your subscription to Aquarius. Act now to ensure uninterrupted access to this valuable business, entertainment, and predicting tool.
Pisces Your habit of taking the easy way out will finally end this week, but only because you don't have the guts to hang yourself.
0